Monday, 24 February 2014

Musical Monday #49

So what if the plot didn’t make any sense, and it wasn’t as funny as it thought it was, and it was apparently a terrible adaptation…



…The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy film had one thing going for it.  Spectacle.

So Long And Thanks For All The Fish from The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy


What adaptations really grab your goat?

Monday, 17 February 2014

Musical Monday #48

 
 


True story.

Hello.  It’s Monday AGAIN, so let’s get on with some Musical.


Cell Block Tango from Chicago

What was the last lucid dream you had?

Sunday, 16 February 2014

Wrong Again

I keep siding with the wrong characters.



Do you ever sympathise with the 'bad' guys?

Saturday, 15 February 2014

Take The Offense

It may come as a shock to learn that I occasionally offend people.

Oh yeah, you thought I was done reusing that old picture, didn’t ya?  Well I’ll NEVER be done.

All right, what may be more surprising is that I don’t offend people deliberately.  I do not see the point in insulting people.

Where I have offended or insulted anyone, it comes down to three scenarios:

1.      Unintentionally.
a)      I make what is to me a completely harmless statement.

Forgetting what is harmless to me, may from a different perspective be quite thoughtless.

or
b)      I make a completely harmless statement.

But the recipient has previous issues or insecurities I am unaware of that leads to paranoia.

In either case, I usually don’t find out I caused any offence until weeks later when it’s far too late to do anything about it.  In variant A I feel bad for forgetting that everyone has a different perspective and I should have been more thoughtful.  In variant B I’m less sympathetic.  People shouldn’t blame others for their own insecurity and reading between the lines is often conducted by the illiterate.

2.      As a joke.
a)      I say something sarcastically or facetiously.
Terrible example of a joke.

And another person in the room thinks I’m serious.


or
b)      I say something sarcastically or facetiously.

And although the recipient knows I’m joking, it hits a nerve.


A bad joke is usually immediately obvious on crash landing.  In variant A I kind of don’t care, because it’s their fault for having no sense of humour and I’d rather not bother talking to them in future anyway.  In variant B I understand that we all have nerves, so an apology quickly smoothes over and I know better for next time.

3.      In self-defence.
a)      If someone is currently (seemingly unintentionally) offending me

in an attempt to red flag their mistake, I fire back at them an equivalent they would find offensive, so they will realise what they are doing and stop.

or
b)      When the other person appears to be gearing up for an attack,

I’m liable to take the pre-emptive strike.

Here it’s pretty obvious if offence has been taken because it is usually part of an argument, but once locked into an argument, it’s seemingly impossible to escape.  Variant A is very clever and works 100% of the time.  Did I say works?  I meant fails.  All it ever does is prolong the argument, either making the offender think they’re the victim even though they’re the douche that started it, or it makes them think this is some kind of sparring match to be enjoyed.  Variant B also never works, all that happens is that when I am hurt, like some wounded wild animal I lash out and hurt the person who hurt me, again making them think they are now the victim so they forget or ignore the important, vulnerable stuff I was actually there to say.

So yes I offend people because I am so arrogant that I forget they might have a different perspective to me and I can’t tell what joke might be inappropriate to what audience and I’m so insecure that I’d sink to revenge.

But it wasn’t deliberate.
So I am sorry if I have ever offended you.
Truly, I Am Sorry.











































But you probably just got offended because you’re paranoid, you have no sense of humour and you started it.



Monday, 10 February 2014

Musical Monday #47

I have noticed that my dialogue at one of my works is getting a bit weird.  I have to say the same phrases over and over again, and somewhere along the way I started pronouncing ‘pounds’ as ‘punds’ while I completely miss the second syllable from ‘very’ when I say ‘thank you very much’. 



Does this mean as the months pass I will drop further vowels from The Speech?

I often refine my phrases, but sometimes go too far, going from the cumbersome ‘And there’s your receipt’ to an abrupt ‘RECEIPT!’ 

Will eventually I just mime what needs to be expressed?


And now for a very fun musical number:

Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better from Annie Get Your Gun

What boring phrases do you have to repeat at work?

Thursday, 6 February 2014

The Housemate Names His Future Children



I feel a lot more sorry for little Gently.

What's the worst name someone you know called their kid?

Monday, 3 February 2014

Musical Monday #46

The Hill philosophises:



Whew, long day at work(s) today.

Now to relax with an inspiring Musical Monday:

Part Of Your World Reprise from The Little Mermaid



And don’t forget, Prince Eric is Spider-Man!



Black Cat is AWESOME!  Who's your favourite Spider-man character?

Sunday, 2 February 2014

B is for…

So far, A is for Artful or Aspiring.  (More comments welcome on that one.)

Which ‘B’ do YOU think best encapsulates me?

















Answers in the comments, please.

Saturday, 1 February 2014

Before I Could Write – Part 13

Yes, it’s that time again.  Time to dredge out some story I wrote in The Youth, pre-epiphany days, to read either out of curiosity at the evolving writing style or just for a good old laugh.  Believe me, reading this stuff hurts me more than it hurts you.

Honest.


Writing for English class was always difficult because of the rules and structures The School imposed on us.  In Year 8 we were given a strict plan and had to fit our story around it, in Year 10 we were only allowed to write autobiography, and in Year 13 (aka Upper Sixth), we were only allowed to ‘transform’ another piece.  This lack of freedom and imagination stifled The Writing and stopped me from progressing.  Although what I wrote outside of class was still total arse, so perhaps it didn’t matter at all.

Anyway, at age 18 I met one of The Favourite Teachers, who was possibly the second person ever to encourage The Writing.  Unfortunately I was a teenager, so I never actually got on with The Work, or sometimes even turned up to lessons, which pretty much destroyed his opinion of me.  But for what it’s worth,



 
Me, aged 18, tastelessly steering the Titanic into an iceberg.
And even more unfortunately this was the year we had to ‘transform’ rather than invent, so this is what we get when I attempted to transform Enid Blyton’s The Enchanted Wood:

Change.  It was change; change wasn’t good but sometimes it was necessary.  Mother sat in the jolting railway carriage with her feet planted firmly within the perimeters of one of the square tiles that patterned the floor, opposite her three children, all competing with each other to see the view from the window.  It would have been noticed by anyone passing, if Mother hadn’t drawn down the blinds, that they never strayed over the central line of the carriage; they had been well trained over the years not to intrude on their mother’s silence.

A particularly bright window box flashed past and the children’s eyes lit up in an unhealthy desire for colour; Mother had been sure to keep their bedrooms grey so their small minds would not be over-stimulated.

“I’ll pick loads of flowers,” said Elizabeth.

“To study,” added Mother.

“To study,” repeated Elizabeth obediently.

Mother was proud of how they did as they were told.

The blackened bricks melting away to open fields and clear air reminded Mother of the transformation of the butterfly, but this was without the long months of an ugly and inconvenient chrysalis, this was almost instantaneous.  At last, she could breathe, free from the confines of the city.

We’re in the countryside.”  The children had been silent for almost two hours but now that the tall grey buildings had disappeared and there lay green meadows, their voices became shrill, aggravating Mother’s calm mind.  Her fingers whitened as she gripped the fabric seat; she may have made a mistake, green was colour and colour stimulated the mind.  Her head filled with blood, her ears thundered, she was short of breath, the carriage almost span.

“Do you think there are fairies here?” said Frances.

The words sent a chill down Mother’s back.  She had always been very careful with her children.  As a child herself, some had called her ‘dull’ but she was now successful and she hadn’t read their names in the newspapers lately.  When she managed to buy a newspaper.  It took her so long to get into the shop, having to do everything twice, first with her right hand, then with her left, stopping to check her feet weren’t on any cracks, then having to do the right hand, then the left again, in case she had forgotten to do it before, then having to rub her chest before she entered a room, then having to do it with the other hand, then having to do it again because now it felt odd and then having to do it again the other way, then having to check her feet again and then having to do the right hand then the left again which eventually meant she opened the door and closed it again because it had to be even, not forgetting having to wash her hands every time she touched something foreign like a shop door handle.  Mostly she just gave up and went home, and that took long enough.  But she had become successful by her own hard work; she didn’t believe in luck or gods and she made sure her children were sensible too. 

Once someone had named her ‘cruel’ for not letting them play ‘imaginary games’.  What an imbecile.  She was used to people not understanding her but her beliefs were perfectly justifiable; she was going to make sure her children knew only fact and were disgusted at anything false or fantasy.

There was no Father Christmas in December.  The very idea of a strange man breaking into children’s houses at night was enough to terrify a highly strung child and the thought that he loved the children more than their parents because he brought them wonderful gifts was ridiculous.  Mother spent hours telling her children the dangers of talking to strangers and she wasn’t in a rush to have them raped by some paedophile because he had a beard and might be Santa.  It was a disgusting idea and she couldn’t believe it was still popular.

Her opinion on fairies ran the same theme.  At first, she had been able to control her children’s ideas but recently it had become a struggle.  The popularisation of Harry Potter and The Lord Of The Rings hadn’t helped, as all children suddenly loved magic, brainwashed by the cult of media.  If not magic it was vampires or dinosaurs, so she had had the television banned.  But she couldn’t ban books; she wanted them to be intellectual.  She had even found them sneaking A Midsummer Night’s Dream home from the library.  Mother had been furious but how could she punish them for wanting to read Shakespeare?

The idea of striking a child did not appeal to her but correcting their faults was difficult.  She tried words of encouragement when they behaved correctly but when they caused mischief how was she to stop them?  Standard punishments such as grounding, banishing to their room or no supper were far too long term than an accidental slip deserved, but a short, harsh word only led to stubbornness.  Mother had tried not talking to them when they erred but though they did breakdown easily, it was childish on her part and she was trying to get them to rise above that sort of nonsense.  Besides, most sorts of punishment were redundant in such a reduced space and Frances needed correction.

Mother gave Frances a glancing blow just below the right cheekbone.  Frances’s eyes filled up but Mother was used to this and began her reprimand before Frances had a chance to blackmail her mother with salt water.  “Fairies do not exist,” she admonished, then, deciding it was an excellent time to demonstrate her knowledge, as it might encourage Frances to learn the dictionary like her, rather than look for fairies, Mother added, “Except a South American Humming bird and a slang and derogatory term for a homosexual man.”  Mother caught a slight grin on Joseph’s lips, but it vanished in the same instant.  “And I don’t want you ever to use that word.  Mock those that are wrong not those who are different.”  Then, returning to the subject, Mother continued, “The type you are referring to, Frances, came from Greek and Roman mythology, from the three Fates who were the Goddesses in charge of birth and life and I’ve told you many times what idiots the Greeks were.  That was before humans developed into a cultured race.  Now shush.”

Mother began to enjoy the reinstated silence when she heard Joseph.

“It’ll be cool here though with rivers and woods to explore.”

Mother wanted to correct him before he had finished talking but the sound of disordered speech made her queasy.  A sharp, piercing glare silenced him.  Mother was always quick to stop ideas forming.  The children were very quiet in her presence; if only she could be sure they were silent because they were sensible and had no cause for noise rather than they had secret fancies running wild in their imaginations.  “I hope your interest in rivers and woods is purely geographical, Joseph,” said Mother, glowering at him as the train shuddered to a halt.



At the cottage, the children ran and skipped around the garden.  Mother did not approve.  It wasn’t that she didn’t want them to enjoy themselves, she just didn’t want them playing.  Today she had a ready-made excuse; they would have to help their mother clean and tidy their new home.

Mother had checked the area months before she had decided on the move.  There was nothing remotely remarkable about it.  There were no neighbours; it was five miles from anywhere.  She could grow vegetables, have hens for eggs and a cow or goat for milk and not have to cope with the stresses of the town that were making her life unliveable.

Mother kept her children busy, doing chores for her, but they were excited from the move and wanted to help.  She had to stop them being excited; excitement led to a blunt mind.  Would letting them out encourage or wear them out? 

“Can we have a break for an hour, Mother? ” asked Joseph.  Mother let them.

There was a wood at the back of the house, just thick evergreen that led nowhere.  She had made sure.

While they were out Mother checked the house for order.  She opened a drawer slowly so its well-oiled runners didn’t enable it to slip off and fall to the floor.  The floor was a harsh judge, dealing everything that hit it the same punishment, oblivion.  She knocked a mug over; it bounced free.  Mother breathed deeply and carefully and took out a little book.  She made a note in the back; a line of dits scored the page; everything had to be noted.  She looked back at the drawer; everything was straight…  No, her finger rolled a pencil left by one circumference…  Everything was straight.

Mother moved outside and observed the children.  They looked at the trees. 

“Do you think Mother will let us have picnics in there?” said Joseph.

“Picnics?  It’s too weird for that, don’t you think so, Elizabeth?” said Frances.

Elizabeth was blank, “It seems normal.”

“No,” said Frances.  “The leaves can talk.”

“What?”  Elizabeth gasped  “Oh…  Yes,” she agreed at the silence about her.

Mother listened in disbelief; there was no noise.

“It’s magic,” cried Frances.

Mother had thought an hour wasn’t enough time to get into trouble but she was too lenient.  She must punish herself for that.  What now?  The children were too near the wood.  Panicking, Mother called to them.  But why?  Think rationally.  Of course, what did the children crave more than their stupid games that warped their minds?  Food.  Their greed would save them this time.  “Teatime.  TEATIME!”

She hadn’t actually prepared anything so Mother only had bread and jam for them and they had to get the jam themselves as Mother couldn’t touch anything sticky, but they didn’t complain.

Mother was agitated.  Joseph opened his mouth; he was going to mention the wood.  Now was the time.  Scare them away.  With their imaginations they would not go back.  “It’s dangerous in that wood.  People don’t go in there.”

The children were startled; no one had mentioned the wood but now their thoughts were excited. 

Too late Mother realised the damage of her hasty action.  “But that’s just backward thinking.  It’s just a normal wood.”  It wasn’t working.  “So don’t go too far into it.”  Why?  Mother needed to explain everything properly otherwise they would be more intrigued.  “In case you get lost.”

It wasn’t working.  Punishment then.  The thistles were asymmetrical.  It didn’t matter if they were weeds but they threw off the balance of the garden so Joseph would have to pull up all the thistles while Elizabeth and Frances would dig over the garden.

They’d tire eventually.  Mother kept them busy and kept them apart until their hands bled and they only spoke of sensible matters like education and gardening.  The children were good little children.  They did as they were told and worked very hard, were polite, and loved their Mother.


So… do you guys actually read these things?