One Sentence Film Reviews

Welcome to my film guide.


This is an incomplete list of all the films I have ever seen (incomplete because I don’t remember the name of every single film I have ever seen) and my one-sentence(ish) thoughts on each.  This will be a constantly evolving list as I add new films and remember what I thought of old ones.  I’ve put them in roughly chronological order.

My Most Recent Reviews:


Spider-man: Homecoming [2017] – “Ned, the glowy thing is a bomb!” Sweet and funny, pretty much exactly what you want from a Spider-man movie.

Saving Mr. Banks [2013] – “When does anybody get to go to Disneyland with Walt Disney himself?” Watchable if extremely heavy-handed, can’t imagine it is very true to what really happened: saintly Disney must do battle with crazy mean Travers so that the wonderful film Mary Poppins can exist as is right and proper.

In The Heat Of The Night [1967] – “Whom?” A good film (although not a whodunnit where you can work out the mystery yourself because the evidence and clues aren’t presented until they become relevant).

The Road To El Dorado [2000] – “I blame you.”  Love it.

My Neighbor Totoro [1988] - sweet film apart from the terrifying monsters, far too light on plot.

The Prince Of Egypt [1998] - looks amazing, but isn’t emotionally involving unless you count the horror of watching Moses not want to be an Egyptian any more because of Hebrew babies being killed, and then watching the Hebrews celebrating Egyptian babies being killed.

The Secret Of NIMH [1982] - right from the opening scene with MAGIC it’s clear this isn’t going to be very true to the source, also it looks pretty grotty.

The Hobbit: The Battle Of The Five Armies [2014] - by no stretch should this have ever been a full movie, it is at best a finale of another movie, and good luck actually spotting the hobbit.

Zathura [2005] – “I like Mom’s [house] better.” “Well, so did she and now it’s hers.”  Couldn’t be bothered to see this film when it first came out because it was just advertised as ‘Jumanji in space’ which it completely is, but it’s a perfectly fun family movie worth a watch with wonderful practical effects, so long as you aren’t hoping for any strong female role models.

Terminator 2: Judgement Day [1991] – “Trust me.”  Really exciting to start with and some undeniably cool moments, but it’s definitely too long (both versions) and the narration is dire.







1927

The Jazz Singer - generally referred to as the first 'talkie', this rather disappointingly actually still uses caption cards, the only audible dialogue being adlibs over the music (although this is very cool); oh, and the unexplained and sudden blacking up is just baffling.

1931

Draculastagy direction, stilted line delivery, creaky movement, cheap rubber bats and spiders on strings and a lead who sounds like a confused old man who doesn’t understand English… not exactly scary.

Frankenstein - it's just so boring, plus the monster is a total jerk.

The Public Enemy - with no particular narrative drive or interesting characters, this isn't a fascinating watch and the shock ending is one part comic, one part memorably disturbing and one part irritatingly moral - unfortunately films about crime being bad never got less blunt.

1933

42nd Street – like the stage show it inspired if you removed ALL OF THE PLOT.

King Kong – Humans: Look, incredibly rare, unique species unknown anywhere else in the world… kill the hell out of them; Dinosaurs: Stop killing the hell out of us or we’ll kill the hell out of you; King Kong: I will kill the hell out of all of you and I’ll do it in the most malicious ways I possibly can; Me: When will the killing end?

The Invisible Man – there are no sympathetic characters but plenty of wooden performances, watchable only for the mind-blowingly good special effects.

1934

It Happened One Night - there are too many examples of domestic abuse in this movie, opening with a father hitting his daughter in the face yet never being punished for the act, while she falls for a man who constantly belittles her, and the ending of the movie, featuring neither lead and their reunion happening off screen, is decidedly disappointing.

Of Human Bondage - Leslie Howard is as mesmerising as always (although he's been a lot more awesome) but Bette Davis's accent completely derails whatever it is she's going for with the character.

The Scarlet Pimpernel – "Good evening, Monsieur Chauvelin, how nice of you to wait up for me."  A rather staid production, like a play, in which all the action sequences happen off screen, and not nearly enough people actually get rescued, but it's also funny and exciting and completely worthwhile for Leslie Howard's brilliant performance as the title character.

1935

The 39 Steps – "It's a whole flock of detectives."  A riot; Robert Donat is delightful.

The Bride Of Frankenstein - filled with eye-scratchingly irritating characters and mind-numbingly wooden actors, and the Monster is still a murderous jerk, but Frankenstein is kind of sweet.

1936

My Man Godfrey - "Shall I wear my tails or come just as I am?"  While there's nothing not to like about Godfrey, Irene's incessantly exuberant and hysterical love for him is disappointingly one-note and she doesn't develop as a character from start to finish; on a side note I don't know if there is a remastered version of the film, but the edition I saw was so washed out that characters were often reduced to little more than eyes and mouth on a white background.

Rose Marie - forgets to resolve the fact that the lovers split up because he is basically murdering her brother.

The Petrified Forest – Leslie Howard is mesmerising as ever but the ending is disappointing and cruel.

1937

It's Love I'm After - "Why is it no one loves me?" "But I love you, sir." "Don't confuse the issue."  An amusing romp, lots of fun watching Leslie Howard and Bette Davis fight.

Return Of The Scarlet Pimpernel - I really want to see a sequel to The Scarlet Pimpernel not starring Leslie Howard said no one ever.

Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs  hardly any plot or character to speak of but the light-hearted bits are fun, the serious bits are downright terrifying and the animation is amazing.

The Prisoner Of Zenda - "I cannot get used to fighting with furniture." Ronald Colman is extremely watchable as the hero while Douglas Fairbanks Jr is delightfully roguish as the villain, and the whole doppelganger/kidnap/siege plot is lots of fun, but the film really falls down with the romance - Princess Flavia being about as interesting as a damp handkerchief.

1938

Bringing Up Baby – more irritating than funny.

Carefree - creepy film in which a very unprofessional psychiatrist subjects a woman to a lot of mental abuse (it's supposed to be a romcom).

Pygmalion – an insult rather than an adaptation.

Vivacious Lady - "I can't have my husband engaged to just anybody." A fun little film that seriously needs to cut down on the wolf whistles.

1939

Bachelor Mother - Ginger Rogers and David Niven are always going to be watchable, but I'm sure it must be possible to prove a baby is not biologically yours, even in the thirties - having never given birth would be a starting place; NB the version I saw was pointlessly and incompetently colourised.

Destry Rides Again – "Get out before I kill you." "You mean you haven't been trying?" A send up of westerns that's actually just a really good western; James Stewart's pacifist hero is delightful.

Gone With The Wind – ghastly, overlong love letter to the American South in which we have to suffer cinema’s most repulsive heroine, her unrequited love for Ashley Wilkes (Leslie Howard just ain’t gonna bother with an American accent) while Rhett Butler goes about beating and raping her.

Goodbye, Mr. Chips - unbearably sad.

Gulliver’s Travels – it’s more like Gulliver’s Travel, singular, and seems to be designed to be as irritating as possible.

His Girl Friday – uninteresting; I have seen these basic character and plot ideas done to death and never satisfactorily.

Intermezzo - the story of a total douche; I have no idea what the audience is meant to get out of this; skipping the bit when selfish man and idiot girl fall in love was disastrous.

Made For Each Other - not much focus to the plot, just a bunch of stuff that newlyweds have to deal with, with a harrowing life-or-death plane flight involving a character we haven't seen before randomly thrown in at the end.

Mr Smith Goes To Washington – the final half hour is really good and James Stewart is watchable as ever, but a slow drama about American politics just ain't fascinating fare.

The Cat And The Canary – Bob Hope is on fire, shame about the rest of the film.

The Wizard Of Oz – "You've killed her so completely, that we thank you very sweetly." Dorothy's introduction to Oz is rather startling, with a song celebrating murder and Glinda being a total sociopath; the film has enough spectacle to be an entertaining watch but it lacks any of the wit or intelligence of Baum.

1940

Fantasia – it adds nothing but visual tedium to brilliant pieces of music.

My Favourite Wife both the comedy and romance has a wonderful freshness; Cary Grant and Irene Dunne are just perfect.

Pinocchio – while Snow White didn’t have enough plot to fill a film, this has too much plot to handle so rushes through without pause for breath and has some unbelievably dark moments (Pinocchio face down in a puddle, dead, for example), but it's certainly watchable.

Pride And Prejudice - "At this moment it's difficult to believe you're so proud." "At this moment it's difficult to believe that you're so prejudiced." Despite a high-speed gallop through the plot that loses nearly all the drama, this is still very enjoyable and Greer Garson is brilliant, but I still don't know what to think of Laurence Olivier's sweet and cuddly version of Mr Darcy.

Primrose Path – forgettable.

Road To Singapore – quite fun buddy film, not sure why it spawned an entire series though.

The Great Dictator - a good, sometimes excellent film but it's been so overhyped.

The Philadelphia Storydespite the wonderful cast it just comes across as 'women should shut up and take adultery and abuse from their husbands’.

The Shop Around The Corner – "Why do you hate me so?" "I don't hate you." "Oh, I suppose you love me." "No, why should I? What have you done to make me love you?" "I don't want you to love me." "I don't!" This film is amazing, every single line is perfect.

1941

49th Parallel - "You can't expect me to capture an armed Nazi without getting hurt a little."  While the individual sections are great, especially Leslie Howard's method of getting a Nazi to use up his bullets, the episodic structure means it's disappointing each time you move on and it's kind of weird and uncomfortable to spend the film in the company of the bad guys (meanwhile Laurence Olivier's French Canadian accent has to be heard to be believed).

Citizen Kane – unfortunately knowing the famous ending undermines the whole mystery while the non-linear plot means we never get to know the title character so I didn't get much out of it.

Dumbo – incredibly emotionally effective.

I Wake Up Screamingforgettable.

Pimpernel Smith – "How annoying for you."  Professor Smith is one of my all-time favourite heroes.

Road To Zanzibar – starts well but it loses its way later into completely random.

Suspicion - while the suspense of whether or not her husband is a murderer is exciting, there's no doubt that this is yet another Hollywood movie in which a weak-willed and impressionable woman is swept off her feet by a domineering and cruel man and we're meant to mistake that for romance.

1942

Bambi – devoid of plot and the characters have no more personality than their names; hunters are evil though.

Casablanca – "If I were a woman (and I were not around), I should be in love with Rick." Fairly gripping story, but it's hard to believe that Ilsa could cause such strong turmoil or devotion in two men when she's as interesting as a sack of wet potatoes.

Holiday Inn - it'd be a lot better if the female lead wasn't treated like an object.

Road To Morocco - "You mean they missed my song?"  A witty frolic with the fourth wall. 

The First Of The Few – a film starring Leslie Howard and David Niven is going to be damn watchable but it’s incredibly depressing, particularly as this was Howard’s last on-screen performance.

To Be Or Not To Be - "If I shouldn't come back, I forgive you what happened between you and Sobinksi.  But if I come back, it's a different matter."  A funny film, and very daring considering it was made while this terrible stuff was really going on.

1943

Phantom Of The Opera – almost no connection to the novel and very poorly structured but the rivalry between Raoul and Anatole is fun.

The Gentle Sex – forgettable war propaganda, but Leslie Howard’s narration hooked me (his last work before he was killed).

1944

Arsenic And Old Lace – "You don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib!"  A funny film, although the tone veers all over the place.

Double Indemnity - the starts-at-the-end opening is tediously reminiscent of Billy Wilder's more famous Sunset Blvd., while Fred MacMurray comes across as a total creep and the fast-paced dialogue is almost impenetrable while still being painfully blunt with its innuendos. 

Going My Way - it's kind of aimless and far too gentle.

The Three Caballeros - a trippy splicing of cartoon and real footage in which Donald Duck is aroused by human women; I want out.

1945

Brief Encounter - what a pushy jerk!

House Of Dracula – a reasonable enough excuse to have Dracula and the Wolf Man meet (although actually they don’t share any scenes) but there is no reason for Frankenstein’s Monster, and horrible that the hunchbacked nurse gets killed but the pretty blonde one lives. 

Road To Utopiaoften touted as one of if not the best Road movie, this actually has a lot more in common with the messy Zanzibar than the masterful Morocco; the plot is far too convoluted, the commentary never really feels like it should be there and the ending is quite disappointing.

1946

A Matter Of Life And Death (Stairway To Heaven) – a pilot tries to win his life in Heaven court, but only achieves this when a top surgeon gets killed and represents him, so how come the surgeon doesn’t deserve to live?

It’s A Wonderful Life – brilliant inversion of the tired Scrooge story; this is one of the all-time greats.

1947

Brighton Rock - got to admit, mostly just watched it to see William Hartnell in a non-Who role, otherwise it's interesting but there are no sympathetic characters.

Fun And Fancy Free – the 40s saw a lot of tosh come out of Disney; in this 'Classic' Jiminy Cricket is either immortal or a time traveller, appearing here in modern day Hollywood, listening to an overly-long record about bear domestic abuse and looking in on a man (who can't do ventriloquism) who invites a little girl alone to his house at night for a 'party' while Mickey and co re-enact the skimpiest version of Jack And The Beanstalk I've ever seen - all that said, however, the narration for both stories is well performed.

Miracle On 34th Street - surprisingly compelling, brilliant performances from Edmund Gwenn as Santa and Natalie Wood as the child who doesn't know how to be a child, and that store-psychologist guy must be the nastiest movie villain ever!

Road To Rio - the fifth in the series doesn't really do anything new and is actually a bit boring.

1948

Melody Time just as soullessly boring as Fantasia but also slightly creepy.

Rope – more of a gimmick than a film, and actually, the gimmick that it’s all one long take is a bit… well… don’t actors do this kind of thing every day; it’s called theatre.

The Paleface –Bob Hope and Jane Russell work brilliantly together.

1949

I Was A Male War Bride – forgettable.

Kind Hearts And Coronets - "You're playing with fire."  "At least it warms me."  Comedy black as an oil slick, but it's kind of odd to not actually care who lives or dies by the end. 

Passport To Pimlico – forgettable.

The Adventures Of Ichabod And Mr Toad – I’ve only seen the Mr Toad half (sometimes released separately as The Wind In The Willows) and oh my; the plot, the characters… Angus MacBadger, Mr Winky, what the hell is going on?

1950

Annie Get Your Gun - a lot of fun, Betty Hutton is brilliant, shame about Howard Keel's one-note bellowing.

At War With The Army - beans beans beans beans beans beans MAKE IT STOP PLEASE.

Broken Arrow –the first film to depict the Native Americans in a positive light; it’s embarrassing that westerns after this continued to perpetuate myth.

Cinderellawhile Cinderella herself is an interesting lead, her own film is stolen from her in a bizarre decision to show the story from the point of view of the supporting cast.

Harvey – very interesting but sometimes a little too melancholy, particularly in promoting alcoholism, but a cracker of an ending.

Summer Stock - hard-working farmer engaged to Mr Nice But Dull is seduced by egotistical actor and gives up her way of life to be a flake; stupid film.

Sunset Blvd. - not a film I want to watch often, but undeniably well written, well directed and well acted.

Treasure Island – fun adventure when I was a kid, not so great now.

Winchester ’73 – the main character is a gun… the acting is a mixed bag, the plot is a cliché and James Stewart just isn’t in it enough.

1951


Alice In Wonderlandwith no plot motivation, it’s tedious, and since it all turns out to be a dream, it’s nightmarishly pointless.

My Favourite Spy - "Don't you want to be a hero?" "What for? I've been happy all my life as a coward." Not particularly interesting, going through the motions of Bob Hope shtick but with little charm.

The Man In The White Suit – forgettable, and I didn’t really get it.

1952

Bend Of The River – watchable western but James Stewart needs more dialogue.

Singin’ In The Rain – a classic (ignoring the self-indulgence of Broadway Ballet).

Son Of Palefacenot as good as the first film, mainly due to the inclusion of Roy Rogers (and Hope and especially Russell have less interesting characters to work with this time).

1953

Calamity Jane – fun film with excellent performance from Doris Day, but why does Calamity like Danny - he's utterly horrible?

Invaders From Mars – saw this all the time as a kid, it was both disturbing and hilariously cheap.

Kiss Me Katenowhere near as good as the stage show, at all, in any way.

Peter Pandevoid of any of the drama of Barrie’s story.

The Naked Spur – taut character study - how far will a man go for money?

The War Of The Worlds – forgettable and wooden.

1954

Animal Farm – forgettable.

Johnny Guitar - "I'm sitting here in my own house, minding my own business, playing my own piano. I don't think you can make a crime out of that." Intensely compelling movie.

On The Waterfront – a very talky movie - it's good and Marlon Brando is compelling, but maybe not one I want to watch often. 

Rear Window – funny and suspenseful in equal measure, this is something of a classic.

Seven Brides For Seven Brothers – revolting, sexist, misogynist film that promotes rape (and there are no good musical numbers either).

The Dam Busters – watchable if overlong; shame about the dog.

The Far Country – exciting if clichéd western about law and civilisation and selfishness; James Stewart is on top form.

The Glenn Miller Story - weird hearing Glenn Miller music described as 'something for the kids'; as much as I love James Stewart, this isn't a grabber.

1955

Guys And Dolls – very entertaining; Marlon Brando is brilliant.

Lady And The Tramp – sharp and consistently funny.

The Ladykillers – a bunch of crooks kill each other… fascinating…

The Man From Laramie – I accidentally sided with the ‘baddie’.

The Trouble With Harry - "Beat it, you little creep... I mean, hurry home son."  Weird film.

1956

Carouselthe worst directed/staged film I have ever seen.

The Man Who Knew Too Much – very watchable thanks to James Stewart and Doris Day.

1957

Night PassageAnthony Mann apparently left the project because he didn’t feel the script was ready; I think he was right; the story is watchable but it’s all too simple; there’s a beginning here and an end, but no middle.

The Bridge On The River Kwai – I didn’t really get it - possibly an improvement on the book though.

The Spirit Of St Louis - having driven home after a nightshift, I totally know how he feels.

The Three Faces Of Eve – creaky, stilted filmmaking, but Joanne Woodward’s portrayal of split personality is convincing.

1958

Bell, Book And Candle – the fact that this stars James Stewart and Jack Lemmon excited me no end so I was very disappointed to discover I hated it; it’s about sexual manipulation and is a fetid piece of poo.

South Pacific – forgettable.

Vertigo – pretentious style, ridiculous plot, poor dialogue, shoddy structure and crassly unsubtle music.

1959

Anatomy Of A Murder – a long courtroom drama that manages to be interesting; nicely handled, particularly for a satire.

Ben-Hur – kinda boring, not brain-meltingly boring or anything, I would describe it more as ‘meh’ but FOUR HOURS of ‘meh’ is more than I can bear; everything interesting happens off screen; also, it’s distractingly homoerotic.

Journey To The Center Of The Earth – funny, intentionally and unintentionally (iguanas do not pass for dinosaurs) if forgettable.

North By Northwest – Hitchcock’s most overused plot; watchable enough but the villains are irritatingly stupid and was the ending re-shot or something?

Operation Petticoat Cary Grant is great and Tony Curtis is unbearable, but the film is ultimately sexist.

Sleeping Beauty - there’s very little to the title character, but there’s a fight with a dragon, making this the first Disney animated classic to have a dynamic finale.

Some Like It Hot – Jack Lemmon is great but I don’t like Tony Curtis; the characters only exist on a comic level and lack any substance or depth.

1960

Carry On Constable – a tame but nice comedy, before the series went awful.

Ocean’s ElevenMONEY; COFFIN; MONEY; COFFIN; what ELSE was going to happen; too many characters to follow (obviously) and it's dull.

Psycho – this never really grabbed me.

The Apartment - "I said I had no family, I didn't say I had an empty apartment."  A perfectly constructed film where every detail is important; one of the all-time classics.  "That's the way it crumbles, cookie-wise." 

The Magnificent Seven – with seven leads there isn't enough screen time to go around and come the big shootout finale it’s obvious which of the seven are going to cop it.

The Time Machine – “Weena!”  Watchable, if occasionally funny for the wrong reasons.

1961

Breakfast At Tiffany’s – soooooooooooooo boooooooooooring.

One Hundred And One Dalmatians it's all right as a cartoon but as an adaptation it's a travesty, not least because it deletes three of the strong female leads, rewrites another as a male character and completely dumps the personality of the remaining one.

The Guns Of Navarone – David Niven gives a brilliant performance, which is what keeps the film interesting since it has no pace (still though, Miller and Franklin are definitely a romantic couple).

Two Rode Together – forgettable.

Whistle Down The Wind – turns out, he isn't Jesus.

1962

Carry On Cruising – utterly naff.

Dr No – when will Dr No learn that SPIDERS DON’T MAKE RELIABLE ASSASSINS, also, don’t leave prisoners in rooms with escape tunnels; I didn’t really follow the plot, all I know is that James Bond solves the problem by literally turning up the danger level; oh no, too much danger.

Gypsy – the story of a mother who destroys her daughter… thanks for that.

Mr Hobbs Takes A Vacation – it’s funny and there are some nice character moments, but it isn’t focused.

Summer Holiday – forgettable, mindless fluff.

That Touch Of Mink Cary Grant plays the handsome cad, Doris Day the simpering virgin and that’s the entire plot.

The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance – didn’t get it.

The Music Man – not sure I really get the ending, but I like the characters and the weird songs and Robert Preston is great.

To Kill A Mockingbird - empty 'obviously-an-adaptation' film that leaves you aching to read the book instead.

1963

Dr Strangelove, Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb – I just don’t enjoy satire.

From Russia With Love – the opening credits offended me; the rest of the film is dull and Bond is shockingly dumb.

It’s A Mad Mad Mad Mad World – forgettable.

Jason And The Argonauts – it’s not about anything, nothing happens, it’s horribly made, the acting is abysmal, the characters don’t matter and it doesn’t conclude, but other than that…

The Birds – an odd mix of understated horror and ludicrous silliness; excellent use of sound (or silence) but that ending is just too abrupt.

The Great Escape – I had a lot of trouble keeping up with the million characters, plus it's very depressing and yet it never felt like there were nearly as many men as there were supposed to be.

The Haunting – first I have to buy that the house was ‘born evil’ because in 90 years a couple of people have died near it, then I’m battered with dum-dum-dummm evil music and am then subjected to the tediously overused and grating voiceover of endlessly inner-monologing loon Eleanor; it’s kind of annoying.

The Nutty Professor - "You might as well like yourself.  Just think about all the time you're going to have to spend with you."  Lacks focus and depth, but Jerry Lewis is very good.

The Pink Panther – meandering and endless, thank goodness for David Niven.

The Sword In The Stone – entertaining, but there's no structure to the plot, no real aim or crisis or threat or anything.

Zulu – have you studied 1870s African colonialism wars; if not, Zulu has no time for you!  See my full review here.

1964

A Hard Day's Night - "If he says that again, I'll strike him."  There's no plot whatsoever, definitely not worth watching unless you're a huge Beatles fan.

Carry On Cleo – some of it is just embarrassing, but the stuff with Kenneth Connor as the bodyguard is quite entertaining.

Cheyenne Autumn – forgettable, sprawling piece with lots of characters, not my kind of thing.

Mary Poppins – Julie Andrews really is practically perfect.

1965

Doctor Who And The Daleks – WHAT DID THEY DO?

How To Murder Your Wife – seems to be satirising misogyny but manages this by being completely sexist.

Shenandoah – very sad but completely compelling.

The Flight Of The Phoenix very very long and nearly all the deaths are really disappointing; it’s not an upbeat film; still, it’s compelling with some excellent performances.

The Great Race – basically a two and a half hour long live-action cartoon; I still don’t like Tony Curtis but this has two Jack Lemmons and one of them is in a top hat and moustache, so I love it.

The Sound Of Music – Maria becomes redundant once she marries, and the romance isn't on screen at all, so it doesn't really work.

Those Magnificent Men In Their Flying Machines – funny but the ending sucks.

1966

Alfie - my life is a little worse for having seen it.

Batman – “Some days you just can’t get rid of a bomb.”  Insane gibberish; pick any scene and it's a good laugh, but watching the whole thing is painful.

Daleks – Invasion Earth 2150 AD – better than the first one but still rubbish.

How To Steal A Million – a nice film, only marred by a kiss early on that undermines the subtle romance.

Lt Robin Crusoe, USN – stupid, very stupid, but the ending was funny.

The Rare Breed – a stupid film really and yet James Stewart still manages to do amazing work with his dialogue.

1967

Bedazzled – I just didn’t like the characters.

Casino Royale – insanity; makes no sense thanks to Peter Sellers quitting halfway through production but David Niven is awesome as always.

Cool Hand Luke – it’s an ALLEGORY.

Doctor Dolittle – ENDLESS; one nice pro-vegan song, otherwise quite horrible.

Guess Who's Coming To Dinner - "You think of yourself as a coloured man.  I think of myself as a man."  Really good, especially the performances by Sidney Poitier and Katharine Hepburn.

In The Heat Of The Night - "Whom?" A good film (although not a whodunnit where you can work out the mystery yourself because the evidence and clues aren't presented until they become relevant).

Planet Of The Apes – preachy satire.

The Dirty Dozen – next time don’t take a psychopath with you.

The Graduate – didn’t get it.

The Jungle Book - not much of a plot but some good tunes, however Mowgli is infuriating and impossible to like; wish it stuck to the character relationships from the source material. 

Thoroughly Modern Millie – utterly insane but Julie Andrews is awesome.

1968

2001: A Space Odyssey – if this is science fiction grown up, then I want to stay a kid.

Bandolero! – forgettable other than the fact that the ‘heroes’ die at the end.

Bullitt – Robert Vaughn: here’s a guy, keep him alive for the weekend so he can testify against the mafia on Monday; Steve McQueen: Whoops, I shot him dead; Me: Yeah, another great case, Bullitt.

Carry On Up The Khyber – forgettable but I recall it was one of the more bearable Carry Ons.

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang – gets bigger and bigger and more and more insane, endlessly energetic and thoroughly magical, they sure don't make 'em like this any more.

Firecreek – forgettable.

Hannibal Brooks – (one of those films I saw all the time when I was a kid) fairly nasty story actually; the ending certainly isn't satisfactory.

Oliver! – greatest musical numbers ever put on film.

Sweet Charity – DOWNBEAT ENDING ALERT.

The Odd Couple – strangely forgettable, something about it doesn't quite work.

The Producers – just didn’t do it for me.

The Scalphunters – why does the director keep giving us horse reaction shots?

Yellow Submarine – strictly for modern art lovers and maybe a few die-hard Beatles fans, if you keep your eyes shut and just listen to the music.  Read my full review here.

1969

Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid – brilliant dialogue.

Once Upon A Time In The Westinterminable opening followed by distressing child murder, doesn't exactly engage.

The Italian Job – bare on plot, overrun by faces but not character and not remotely plausible, but at least it isn’t dreary.

The Love Bug – do NOT get on the wrong side of this car.

Where Eagles Dare – it didn't hold my attention.

1970

Catch-22 – I enjoyed the extremely black humour but disliked the non-linear plot; easier to get into than the book anyway.

Kelly’s Heroes – a bit too in the face.

The Aristocats – very bland, while the premise is just annoying (obviously don't dispose of the cats until after the woman dies or she'll just get another one).

The Railway Children – not exactly plot driven.

1971

And Now For Something Completely Different – bunch of Monty Python sketches, so gonna go with hit and miss.

Bedknobs And Broomsticks – the remastered 25th Anniversary version is about seven hours long and has the worst dubbing I’ve seen this side of a spoof; possible drinking game – every time the words are out of sync with the actor’s mouth take a sip, every time their voice morphs into the wrong accent down a shot.

Dad’s Army – retelling the origins of Walmington-On-Sea's LDV three years after the TV show already told us is a little odd, but it's still Dad's Army, so it's a good watch and it has a pretty kick-ass ending.

Duel – how is this a whole film?

Escape From The Planet Of The Apes – forgettable apart from the horrible ending.

Fiddler On The Roof - very enjoyable, intelligent and exuberant musical, but what a sad ending.

Tales Of Beatrix Potter – ballet is boring.

Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory – teaches us that being bad and doing what you are explicitly told not to is fine, so long as you don’t get caught.

1972

Cabaret – wooden acting, flat characters, lack of plot, erratic editing, pointless lacklustre songs and a subtext that’s both brutally in your face and yet barely touched on.

Carry On Abroad – awful; I’m embarrassed I watched the whole thing.

Pulp – funny but the inclusion of bull fighting makes it a dud.

The Godfather – it's all right; kinda forgettable actually.

1973

Charlotte’s Web – the songs add nothing.

Dark Star – pretty sure this is a student film.

Paper Moon – "I want my two hundred dollars."  A sweet, witty character relationship at the centre of an evocative setting, held together with brilliant acting, a sharp script, spot on direction and a beautifully arced plot; films don't often come this close to perfection. 

Robin Hood – not much character depth but it's funny, exciting and at times sad; Sir Hiss is clearly the best character.

The Sting – "Luther said I could learn something from you.  I already know how to drink."  A good film, but it can never live up to the first watch once you know the twists.

Westworld – AARGH, painful to watch as it’s purposely about flat, nasty characters, and why is the control room hermetically sealed anyway?

1974

All Creatures Great And Small – not exactly gripping as it’s set over a very long time period, but Anthony Hopkins is quite funny.

Blazing Saddles – Cleavon Little is very good but otherwise it isn't really my sense of humour.

Herbie Rides Again – Herbie gets more to do than in the first film and there are other living objects, which makes it all a bit more fun.

Swallows And Amazons - completely fails as a movie; this is a film devoid of tension, peril or any plot whatsoever.

The Conversation - it's just so boring.

The Front Page – based on the same source material as His Girl Friday, so it didn’t work for me.

The Godfather, Part II – forgettable.

The Return Of The Pink Panther – Christopher Plummer is no David Niven.

Young Frankenstein – not funny.

1975

Jaws – the shark EATS people.

Monty Python And The Holy Grail – the best Monty Python thing by far.

The Rocky Horror Picture Show – this is either one of those satires that accidentally end up being the thing they’re trying to mock or it really is as dumb as it looks.

Tubby The Tuba – incredibly cheap animation but you try to get ‘oom pah pah’ out of your head.

1976

Bugsy Malone – might have been okay if they hadn’t dubbed the kids with adults, which is just creepy.

Futureworld – forgettable.

Logan’s Run – I always liked his friend… so it wasn’t a happy tale.

Marathon Man – oddly nothing like the book.

Murder By Death – far more annoying than any of the stories it is trying to mock.

Rocky – no idea how this spawned a franchise.

Silent Movie – nicely choreographed slapstick.

Taxi Driver – I can’t fathom it, none of the scenes go anywhere, the lead’s extremely boring and the film is so ponderous I was barely aware there was a narrative.

The Shootist – forgettable.

1977

Close Encounters Of The Third Kind – the story of a man who destroys his family’s life so he can hang out with aliens; I just can't bear to watch this jerk.

Herbie Goes To Monte Carlo – Jim is back, less a wife, with a new sidekick, the repulsive, misogynistic, mean, stupid Wheelie; I wish they had stopped with the second film.

High Anxiety – I only found three jokes funny and the rest is AWFUL.

Jabberwocky – visually a lot of effort has gone in here and the humour is extremely sharp, but the plot… oh the plot; there isn’t one.

Star Wars – enjoyable (certainly the best of the franchise).

The Incredible Hulk – one of the saddest stories I’ve ever seen, made me cry a lot and I felt sad for days afterwards.

The Many Adventures Of Winnie The Pooh - even more episodic than the books it's based on, this cuts most of the punch lines and endings to the stories, so is a bit pointless really.

The Rescuers – the kidnapped orphan Penny is a great character with a heart-breaking plot, but the Rescuers themselves are rather bland and the sexist overtones that Miss Bianca needs a man to look after her are never addressed.

1978

Damien – Omen II – the story of how Damien kills a whole load of people… fascinating…

Force 10 From Navarone - exciting enough but the characters are hardly interesting, the traitor turns out to be the guy they knew was the traitor at the start and as a sequel it's utterly baffling. 

Grease – fun but devoid of plot or the satire that was the entire point of the stage show.

La Cage Aux Folles – enjoyable if underdeveloped.

Superman – he could clearly stop both missiles considering he can fly so fast he can turn back time.

The Lord Of The Rings – the animation is poor and… well… it’s just poorly made all round; for example, evil wizard’s name changes between Sarroman and Arrowman; also Strider has a menacingly short skirt.

The Rutles – All You Need Is Cash – not remotely funny.

1979

Animalympics – cheap and not that interesting.

Being There – I completely missed that this was a satire…

Monty Python’s Life Of Brian – they did funny last time so this time they’re going to try to make a point.

Porridge – not so much a film as three new episodes of the TV show but it’s just as good as the old stuff.

Rocky II – better than the first film in that there’s some drama but boxing still isn’t interesting.

Star Trek: The Motion Picturethere’s an awful lot of staring at spaceships and nothing happening; after a while, the nothing happening becomes funny but later into the film, these endless shots of spaceships and alien guff is more likely to lead to weeping and self-harm than guffawing in disbelief; it’s hardly reminiscent of the series.

The Black Stallion - really does not need to be this long.

The Bugs Bunny/Road Runner Movie – excuse to watch Looney Tunes cartoons (pointlessly strung together to make a ‘narrative’).

The Jerk – not something I find very funny.

The Muppet Movie – PLUS: witty dialogue, genius mix of deadpan and cartoon humour, impressive puppetry, Steve Martin cameo, MINUS: dull plot, lame songs, pants ending, all the other cameos.

Unidentified Flying Oddball (The Spaceman And King Arthur) - the story of a man who is unfazed by everything.

1980

Airplane! – a very good spoof but I’m just not a big fan of spoof humour.

Caddyshack – it wasn’t funny.

Flash Gordon – Flash – a-ah; there’s no time for sense, we must get through this plot at superhuman speeds; an insane film but a complete load of fun.

Herbie Goes Bananas – the worst of the Herbie films; Herbie takes up bull fighting in this one; this is a Herbie film in which no one calls him Herbie; a better title would have been 'Herbie gets in with the wrong crowd'.

Hopscotch – pointless.

Raging Bull – I didn’t like it, at all; I would rather stare at the wall.

Superman II – right, let’s all walk to the North Pole, apparently it’s easy, just head north; hey, look, Superman’s giant ice fortress, open for anyone to enter, who knew?

The Blues Brothers – completely insane, but it works.

The Elephant Man – it was a mistake to give the film to David Lynch.

The Empire Strikes Back – enjoyable despite not much of a plot structure, but I feel like we've missed a lot of character development between films (R2D2 is super cute though); also offing admirals, promoting their subordinates and when they're not very good at their job because they haven't been trained for it, offing them too is not an intelligent way to run an army; by the end, probably the man who empties the bins is in charge.

1981

Escape From New York – since there are no likeable characters, it's hard to care.

Gallipoli – I only remember the ending but it has stuck with me for most of my life.

Raiders Of The Lost Ark – a lot of fun, Indy and Marion are great but the plot is quite repetitive—it just seems to be a game of swapsies with Marion and the ark in the middle.

Stripes – two lazy bums join the army on a whim and find out that it’s really strict… fascinating…

The Fox And The Hound – it's like Zootopia if you took away the moral and the happy ending.

The Great Muppet Caper – lame, apart from the brilliant Kermit-and-Fozzy-are-identical-twins joke.

Time Bandits – suffers from the usual Gilliamism of ideas too big to fit into the plot structure, and no one has a personality or development beyond their initial appearance, so I can’t care about any of it, so it’s boring.

1982

Airplane II: The Sequel – pretty funny apart from the huge amount of sexist and sex jokes - do they think we're still in the 70s?

Annie – Albert Finney goes for Oliver Warbucks via Frankenstein’s monster.

Blade Runner – in the futuristic world of the eighties… oh sorry, it’s not supposed to be the eighties, it’s just so tacky I didn’t realise; practically unbearably boring.

Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid – very clever, although it’s more of a watch-once film.

ET The Extra-Terrestrial – simplistic.

Grease 2 – uh, it wasn’t completely awful.

Rocky III – Eye of the Tiger, Eye of the Tiger, Eye of the Tiger; easily the best of the Rocky films, the Rocky/Apollo plot really feels earned but whoa is it homoerotic.

Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan – more like the series than the first film; Kirk is amazing but the plot is undercooked.

The Dark Crystal – boring and horrible in equal measures, watching this could’ve killed me; pretty sure this film was designed, then made, skipping the bit where normally there's a script; guaranteed to give children nightmares due to the endless stream of freaky monsters and nasty deaths.

The Secret Of NIMH - right from the opening scene with MAGIC it's clear this isn't going to be very true to the source, also it looks pretty grotty.

The Thing – characterisation, suspense and script logic are lost to lots of impressive special effects and graphic horror.

Tootsie – complete lame rubbish.

Tron – dull.

Victor/Victoria – there’s a serious problem when I want the female lead to turn out to be a man, just to prove the male lead wrong.

1983

Educating Rita – forgettable.

Monty Python’s The Meaning Of Life – last time they replaced being funny with making a point, this time they’re going to replace being funny with being gross.

Return Of The Jedi – some great moments but kinda disappointing that Luke doesn't really do anything; everyone looks way older than in the previous film despite it only being three years later; also how many finales does one film need; and why are the bad guys all total perverts?

Superman III – silly.

The Evil Dead – possibly a form of torture having to sit through it.

The King Of Comedy uncomfortable.

The Man With Two Brains – the constant objectification of women makes me uncomfortable.

To Be Or Not To Be – the stage sequences are a lot of fun, the historical setting is poignantly unsettling, the plot is often extremely tense while the bedroom farce is a hoot.

Trading Places – didn’t do it for me.

WarGames – a slow start, a simple ending but the middle is good; Matthew Broderick was in his twenties when he made this but he looks about nine.

1984

2010 – really boring but at least this one goes for plot, pace, characters and tension, unlike the first film.

Amadeus - fairly enjoyable despite demonising both Salieri and Mozart for no reason but it's overlong for such a vague story, I couldn't empathise with Salieri (or work out why F. Murray Abraham got an Oscar) and there's... just... so... much... opera.

A Nightmare On Elm Street – so much screaming.

Beverly Hills Cop – I was upset over his friend’s murder, not realising that was the catalyst, but the rest was quite good.

Birdy – worth it for the ending.

Dune – truly disgusting.

Footloose - "I thought only pansies wore neckties." "See that? I thought only assholes used the word 'pansy'."  Feels like there're a few scenes missing, but more nuanced than expected.

Ghost Busters – very funny, especially Bill Murray, if lacking depth.

Gremlins – creepy, exciting and extreme fun, this is the ultimate black comedy Christmas film (with brilliant puppetry and musical score).

Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom – too nasty and who thought that woman was a good replacement for Marion?

Romancing The Stone – absolutely ghastly and dull as hell, it’s just an endlessly repetitive plot, poorly edited with completely flat characters, plus one utterly gross love scene.

Splash – one of those films I saw a lot as a kid, but I’ve no interest in seeing it again.

Starman – damn aliens coming to our planet and impregnating our women (having first emotionally manipulated them); a tediously predictable tepid science fiction love story with about as much brain as a dead ant and not once do they play the song 'Starman'.

Star Trek III: The Search For Spock – II, III and IV are their own little trilogy, so as the middle of the arc, I quite like it.

The Muppets Take Manhattan – the most coherent Muppet film so far but the show they put on at the end is lame.

The NeverEnding Story – an intriguing premise but it’s nowhere near as good as the book and it’s so dark in places that it screwed me up when I was a kid.

The Terminator – Sarah and Reese run away from the Terminator but are seen before they get away and Reese gets mortally injured but then gets up and runs seconds later anyway… repeat ad infinitum.

This Is Spinal Tap – an okay spoof, but not great.

Top Secret! – lowbrow spoof, not particularly interesting.

1985

A Room With A View – forgettable, I watched this on a coach and was the only person who stayed awake (other than the driver) and at the end realised sleep would have been more entertaining.

Back To The Future – perfect; the funniest and most exciting film I’ve ever seen, the script shines, nothing is wasted, the acting, the sets, the words, the music, the humour are all brilliant… there is nothing at fault in this film.

BrazilI like the fantastic sets, clever direction, fun music, Jonathan Pryce and the humour, shame about the plot.

Clue it’s weird, occasionally I can see what is supposed to be funny but it just ISN’T, and then at the end it gets all frenetic and farcical like it has crashed into a different film, and the multiple endings, while a neat idea, mean that ultimately none of it matters in the slightest.

Red Sonja – forgettable.

Return To Oz – I really like the book Ozma Of Oz, so the liberties taken here and pointless mashing in of The Marvellous Land Of Oz annoy me, but if you haven’t read the books then it works very well.

Rocky IV – so Paulie has a robot bride (it’s also just one long montage) (and the plot is redundant).

Santa Claus - nonsensical rubbish but if you're stuffed on Christmas dinner and surrounded by wrapping paper, you're hardly going to be at your most discerning, so who really cares?

Silverado – not fascinating.

Teen Wolf – utter garbage.

The Black Cauldron – poor animation, awful voice acting and badly realised characters.

The Breakfast Club – great when I was a teenager, insultingly clichéd now I’m not.

The Goonies – it’s not as good as you remember.

The Purple Rose Of Cairo – with this premise, you could do anything, but Woody Allen doesn’t, he just has Cecelia endlessly say this isn’t like real life because real life sucks and then that’s the ending.

Witness – whoever was in charge of the awful and completely out of place score should be fired.

Young Sherlock Holmes – the film asks ‘what would have happened if Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson had met as schoolboys’, I can take an educated guess that it wouldn’t have been anything like this pointless tripe; this film wins the WORST NARRATION EVER award.  See my full review here.

1986

Aliens – people dying makes me sad.

Big Trouble In Little China – one of those insane nonsense logic films, but not a successful one.

Clockwise - "It's not the despair, Laura, I can take the despair; it's the hope I can't stand."  I like the rapport between headmaster and student, but some of the incidents are irritating rather than funny, the ending has practically no conclusion and frankly I wanted him to come out on top, so I'm kinda disappointed.

Crocodile Dundee – sexist.

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off - while there's really no reason to like Ferris, the film is so light-hearted, it's hard not to enjoy. 

Flight Of The Navigator – all premise, absolutely no plot.

Highlander – there is one awesome scene in this, the WWII ‘it’s a kind of magic’ bit, shame about the rest of the film.

Labyrinth – gotta love the complexity of the characters.

Little Shop Of Horrors – whenever I watch this excellent musical, I can't stop thinking about how much it would suck if they had kept the original ending.

Manhunterboring and very 80s.

Peggy Sue Got Married – majorly disappointing.

Short Circuit – terrible film, cute robot.

Something Wild – very 80s.

Stand By Me – interesting examination of childhood, but not entirely satisfying.

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home – the modern day setting, the eco message, the cuddliness of it all and the constant laughs lack the grandeur of the previous films, but it’s so fun that can hardly be a problem.

The Adventures Of The Great Mouse Detective (Basil The Great Mouse Detective) - Basil is so cool.

The Golden Child - I don't think I can convey quite how bad this film is without you watching it, but DON'T do that, whatever you do.

Three Amigos! – suffering as all spoofs do with being unable to carry a whole film, this is still extremely funny in places.

Top Gun – possible drinking games: 1. Take a sip for every homoerotic inference (dangerous as you’d be under the table within five minutes); 2. Take a sip for every time the characters say the title of the film (Top Gun; Top Gun; Top Gun, we get it already); 3. Spot Nathan from Heroes - there he goes!

Transformers - The Movie – my brain melted.

Withnail & Ididn’t really do it for me.

1987

*batteries not included – "Bobby!" Hey, lady, my name's not Bobby!" "Well, excuse me. Robert." Apart from some cute robot moments, there's nothing to recommend about this film, it's naff and dull and the 'heroes' range from flat to downright dislikeable; Carlos's arc is a little interesting but it doesn't go anywhere.

Broadcast News – forgettable, although I think Albert Brooks was okay.

Dirty Dancing – forgettable, it was all right, if you like watching a lot of grinding.

Dragnet - not particularly funny and a boring plot.

Evil Dead IIwell, it’s better than the first one.

Harry And The Hendersons - while it's hard not to like John Lithgow whatever he's doing, this film is surprisingly dull and has rather a confused moral of don't kill animals, unless they're fish.

Innerspace – fun as a watch-once movie.

Light Of Day – forgettable while I was actually watching it.

Masters Of The Universe – look, it’s Tom Paris from Star Trek Voyager!

Overboard – a film I saw a gazillion times as a kid, shame the plot is actually incredibly nasty.

Planes, Trains and Automobiles – not funny, painfully 80s and tediously repetitive.

Raising Arizona – I just cannot get on with it.

Roxanne – Steve Martin’s good but it’s just not that nice.

Spaceballs - I actually used to get it confused with Star Wars when I was a kid and that’s when you should watch it, never watch it as a grown up.

The Lost Boys – it’s just so 80s…

The Princess Bride – good but the book is better.

The Secret Of My Success – so 80s it makes me puke.

The Untouchables – if you like cheese, then tuck in, because this is one of the cheesiest films I’ve seen.

Three Men And A Baby – the drug subplot is stupid and Ted Danson's character doesn’t need to be in it.

1988

A Fish Called Wanda – Wanda and Archie don’t work, Ken and Otto do.

Akira – still mentally scarred from seeing this as a kid.

Beetle Juice – enjoyable (but unfocused).

Big – no plot beyond its premise and several creepy themes.

Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure – irritating.

Biloxi Blues – pretty good.

Checking Out – repulsive.

Die Hard – I’m not an action fan.

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels – a lot of fun.

Earth Girls Are Easy – one of the worst films I’ve ever seen; there’s no character or plot development in the entire 100 minutes and the whole thing is stomach-wrenchingly eighties—and if that doesn’t make you vomit, then the sporadic ‘songs’ will.

Hairspray – pretty awful most of the time, but I liked Corny and Penny.

I'll Be Home For Christmas - sentimental pap.

Mac And Me – watch that alien try to kill that disabled kid.

Midnight Run – Charles Grodin and Robert De Niro are both excellent.

My Neighbor Totoro - sweet film apart from the terrifying monsters, far too light on plot.

My Stepmother Is An Alien – dire, poor, ghastly, confusing, limp, unexplained, baffling, unconvincing and contradictory; the highlight is the few seconds Seth Green is in it, apparently about 13, but so small you could fit him in a shoebox.

Oliver & Company – the finale is so ridiculous that it's too dumb to enjoy.

Rain Man – forgettable and I didn’t really get it.

Scrooged – very dark, very witty.

Short Circuit 2 – I can’t believe I’ve seen this.

The Accidental Tourist – forgettable and dull.

The Adventures Of Baron Munchausen – visually amazing, but hollow.

The Land Before Time – for toddlers only (I’ve also seen one of the eight million sequels but no idea which).

The Naked Gun a good spoof but like all spoofs, there’s nothing else to it.

Twins – it’s funny and Arnold Schwarzenegger is very good, but the plot is weak and the ‘romance’ and sentimentality are ghastly.

Who Framed Roger Rabbit – “This is the last time I work with someone with a speech impediment.”  Sheer unbridled genius.

Willow – forgettable; the costumes and puppetry are amazing (or amazingly horrible) but the plot is thin, the characters underdeveloped, the bad guys baffling, it’s all buried in clichéd fantasy drivel, nothing and no one is explained, terrible names fly all over the place and all the evil Queen and big finale stuff is just embarrassing.

Without A Clue – Ben Kingsley and Michael Caine are brilliant.  See my full review here.

Working Girl – forgettable, apart from the horrendous 80s hair.

1989

All Dogs Go To Heaven – feeble plot, terrible music and bad animation.

Back To The Future Part II – the best idea for a time travel sequel.

Batman - there are some serious script and editing issues in this movie, also when I watch a film called Batman, I kinda expect it to be about Batman, not some idiotic photographer woman.

Casualties Of War – gruelling.

Chances Are - absolutely ghastly film where at the end the guy gets together with his daughter; gross.

Danny, The Champion Of The World – forgettable.

Family Business - devoid of likeable characters.

Felix The Cat: The Movie – the worst experience of my life; I may have suffered permanent brain damage.

Ghostbusters II – “I don’t blame them.  Because one time, I turned into a dog and they helped me.  Thank you.”  Absolutely brilliant opening and a lot of fun but it rushes too quickly to the end.

Glory well made and well performed but seems more interested in making a historical point about ‘America’s forgotten heroes’ than making a watchable narrative or giving the story a resolution.

Heathers – nasty (deliberately).

Honey, I Shrunk The Kids – gets a bit tedious after a while.

Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade – good in parts.

K-9 – forgettable, but it’s the one where the dog doesn’t die.

Look Who’s Talking – Baby Mikey wants James to be his dad; James wants to be Mikey’s dad; an hour and a half later, big surprise, this is what happens (hate these films).

Parenthood – well made comedy drama, suffering usual ensemble cast lack of focus.

See No Evil, Hear No Evil – oh dear.

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier – Kirk is awesome.

The ’Burbs – "I've never seen that.  I've never seen anybody drive their garbage down to the street and bang the hell out of it with a stick."  So OTT it's brilliant.

The Dream Team – enjoyable enough.

The Little Mermaid – surpasses all previous Disney efforts by eight million miles, awing animation, beautiful songs, genuine laughs, a great lead, an even greater sidekick and the prince is Spider-man; what more could you want?

The Witches – not great, too gross for a kids’ film and why do we see the kid naked at the end?

Tremors – fun monster movie.

Turner & Hooch – the one where the dog dies.

Uncle Buck – completely flat film, in which nothing happens.

When Harry Met Sally… – Harry’s a pig who treats women like dirt; Sally’s irritatingly pious; Harry says, right at the start, men and women can’t be friends because sex gets in the way, Sally disputes this; ninety minutes later, turns out she’s wrong; how’s that an interesting story?

1990

Arachnophobia – this is a hoot of a monster movie although it will make your average house spider terrifying for the next six months; it also teaches us the important lesson: never set fire to a basement you are locked in.

Back To The Future Part III – the weakest of the trilogy due to focusing on Doc rather than Marty, going with wise 80s Doc rather than silly 50s Doc and the wild west not being a fascinating time period, but still way better than most other films.

Captain America – Captain America steals people’s cars by pretending to be sick, gets the love of his life killed and then dates her daughter and Red Skull doesn’t have a red skull and cuts off his own hand for no logical reason.

Cry-Baby - "Electricity makes me insane!"  What the hell was that?

Darkman – sort of like The Punisher meets The Shadow (probably), this is awful and yet Face/Off and Mission: Impossible rip it off.

Days Of Thunder – utter poo.

Dick Tracy – would work better if the lead wasn't so wooden.

Duck Tales: The Movie – Treasure Of The Lost Lamp – forgettable.

Edward Scissorhands – I just didn’t like it.

Ghostthe ghost stuff is all really cool but the romance is gaggingly awful; also, the two men who led to Sam’s death go to Hell, even though one of them didn’t kill him or want him to be killed, and yet Sam goes to Heaven despite hunting down and killing them; bit of a mixed message there.

GoodFellas – what a bunch of dicks.

Gremlins 2: The New Batch – daffier than the first film but very fun from start to finish.

Home Alone – watchable but the slapstick comes out of nowhere, the first two thirds have no slapstick at all and this imbalance unsettled me.

Kindergarten Cop – forgettable, it’s all right for what it is.

Look Who’s Talking Too – the parents scream abuse at each other until toddler Mikey is so disturbed that he rips the head off of a toy penguin; this disturbed nature goes completely unnoticed by the adults and is never resolved; happy sequel (hate these films).

Miller’s Crossing – not my kinda film.

Misery – good thriller.

My Blue Heaven – I can’t believe how bad this is, very disappointing.

Nuns On The Run – meh.

Quick Change – brilliant, smart comedy.

Spaced Invadersforgettable.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – awful.

The Flashhe’s not funny, so how is he the Flash?

The Godfather Part III – I’m sick of all this ‘he’s doomed, DOOMED’ stuff.

The Grifters – nasty.

The Rescuers Down Under – Disney are clearly proud to have entered their modern age and are showing off, but the story itself is forgettable and I can't believe we don't see that room of caged animals get free.

Three Men And A Little Lady – racist or xenophobic.

Truly Madly Deeply – very dull.

1991

Beauty And The Beast – a lame villain and lamer romance make for a dull film - I think Disney must have spent all their money and effort on that 3D chandelier. 

Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey – much more fun than the first film.

Cape Fear – hilariously awful, when this isn’t laugh-out-loud funny it’s so bad, it’s extremely irritating; so well done Martin Scorsese for making the cinematic equivalent of an amusingly shaped skin rash.

Curly Sue – seems to be heavily influenced by Paper Moon, very mawkish, but okay for lazy rainy afternoon fare.

Doc Hollywood – well, the word 'bland' springs to mind; will Doctor Stone stay in the small town of Grady - does anyone care?

Drop Dead Fred – loved it when I was a kid, but even then I didn’t like the metaphorical ending.

Father Of The Bride – why is everyone so mean to George?

Hook – witty, with detailed sets, clever characterisations and smart references, this is an exhilarating adventure film, ruined by every scene that includes the Lost Boys, which drags it down into bog-standard children’s film.

Hot Shots! – yet again, I’m not a big fan of spoof humour, but it does have Cary Elwes in it.

King Ralph – ugh, really?

Little Man Tate – enjoyable drama, perhaps too serious.

My Girl – bees?

Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves – naff, so much more naff than I remembered; also, this year’s Worst Father Award goes to Robin and Will’s dad; you gave up your younger son to appease your older son; no wonder Will is miffed.

Rocketeer – a tedious ‘superhero’ film devoid of superheroics, with heroes so boring they could send you into a coma, pottering around with ghastly small town values to saccharin small town music and how many people are hiding in those bushes?

Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country – flawed but entertaining, shame all the baddies stand out like neon.

Suburban Commando – it’s a film starring Hulk Hogan, what were you expecting?

Terminator 2: Judgement Day – "Trust me."  Really exciting to start with and some undeniably cool moments, but it's definitely too long (both versions) and the narration is dire.

The Addams Family – worth every bizarre second for the amazing, frenetic performance of Raul Julia as Gomez Addams.

The Fisher King - um, I dunno, guess it didn't work for me.

The Hard Way – there’s no character development or detective work, two elements essential in buddy cop movies; it’s just a clichéd cop thriller minus the thrills.

Thelma & Louise – it’s all very slow and depressing for far too long then towards the end of the film it all goes rather over the top and is a lot more fun, but as amusing and exciting as this road trip part of the film is, it doesn’t fit in with the very ponderous first half.

The Naked Gun 2½: The Smell Of Fear – funny as far as surreal, spoof humour can be, with the strongest plot of the trilogy.

The Silence Of The Lambs – a workable hunt-the-villain thriller, but the characters range from underdeveloped (Clarice) to silly (Lecter).

True Identity – probably rubbish but I haven't seen it since I was a kid and wasn't entirely sure I hadn't dreamed it.

What About Bob? – I sided with the wrong one.

1992

Aladdin – entertaining but the pace is far too quick.

Batman Returns - call me crazy but I like my Batman movies to be about Batman; they should have called it 'Penguin Turns Up'.

Beethoven – okay for kids.

Bram Stoker’s Dracula – terrible, don’t make Dracula sympathetic.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer – oh boy is this bad.

Carry On Columbus – because we really needed a new Carry On film.

Death Becomes Her – an intriguing dark comedy spoiled by a lack of consistent main character and the fact that none of them are sympathetic.

FernGully: The Last Rainforest – one of those especially awful, cheap, clichéd cartoons that steals a little of your soul.

Forever Young – forgettable.

Home Alone 2: Lost In New York – it’s the first film again!

Honeymoon In Vegas – it's kinda fun.

Mad Dog And Glory – grotty.

My Cousin Vinny – very funny.

Out On A Limb – oh dear.

Scent Of A Woman - not a very interesting story.

Sister Act – a fun piece of fluff.

Strictly Ballroom – on one hand a droning, clichéd plot with crude direction, on the other sharp, satirical humour with well-defined characters.

The Muppet Christmas Carol – if you must watch A Christmas Carol then this is a good version.

The Player – satire bothers me.

Tom And Jerry: The Movie – well I saw it when I was a kid so it was all right, seem to recall it was the same plot as the Rescuers.

Toys - LL Cool J is the highlight.

Wayne’s World – sorry Garth, it sucks.

1993

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective – ghastly, homophobic.

Addams Family Values – Gomez still rocks but he has less to do in this one.

Army Of Darkness (Evil Dead 3) – forgettable.

Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm – the pace is so slow it’s been declared dead.

Beethoven’s 2nd – fun for kids, just don’t watch it again as an adult.

Coneheads – not good, but not completely awful.

Dave - a nice, watchable film, but rather run of the mill.

Demolition Man – forgettable.

For Love Or Money - a bland The Apartment rip-off with hints of personality mostly drowned by poor casting (not Michael J Fox of course, he's always great). 

Free Willy – they do.

Groundhog Day – enjoyable.

Heart And Souls – sweet ghost story.

Hocus Pocus – no matter how hard I try, this just isn’t Eerie, Indiana.

Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey – the ending gets me every time, shame the plot is driven by stupidity.

Hot Shots! Part Deux – I don’t particularly like spoofs anyway but this is a bad one.

Jurassic Park – doesn't make a lick of sense but, y'know, DINOSAURS, so it's exciting enough to not matter.

Last Action Hero – cool premise.

Les Visiteurs - I don't know what sense of humour it's going for, but it isn't mine.

Life With Mikey (Give Me A Break) – better to leave it in the 'watch-once' category.

Mrs Doubtfire – don’t watch this when your parents are going through a divorce.

Much Ado About Nothing – the Beatrice/Benedick bits are fun.

National Lampoon’s Loaded Weapon 1 – another run-of-the-mill spoof, unbelievably short, probably funnier back when Lethal Weapon was a thing people could remember.

Robin Hood: Men In Tights – "Unlike some other Robin Hoods, I can speak with an English accent."  Unfortunately naff.

RoboCop 3 – terrible, cheap, lazy, stupid, so sometimes hilarious.

Schindler’s List – heavy-handed attempt at history, this shows events rather than people, horrific yes, but not involving, more a museum than a story, it should focus more on individuals and less on set pieces.

Sister Act 2: Back In The Habit – WHAT DID THEY DO?

Sleepless In Seattle – with the moral of leave your fiancé for some guy you’ve never met.

So I Married An Axe Murderer – watchable, forgettable.

Sommersby – well there’s nothing to enjoy.

Splitting Heirs – not very funny, fairly derivative and irritating that every woman in it wants to sleep with Eric Idle.

The Fugitive – decent thriller, best not watch it too often so the obvious ending stays fresh.

The Nightmare Before Christmas – the moral is that you can’t change and are wrong to try.

The Night We Never Met – none of the characters are likeable, so I don’t care how their love lives turn out.

The Secret Garden – strangely cold; Mary finds a locked garden that is constantly filled with angelic choir music as the film desperately tries to hammer home how awesome flowers are but since I don’t find flowers very awesome, the film certainly lacks something quite major, like a plot; probably better than the book though.

Tombstone – no humour, lots of violence and a lack of character, in other words: booooooooooooooooooooooring.

Wayne’s World 2 – funny sketches are not enough to make a film but at least Mike Myers is more bearable than in the first film.

We're Back! A Dinosaur's Story - utterly random weird stuff unsuitable for adults.

What’s Eating Gilbert Grape – the most boring film ever made; I thought it would kill me with tedium; I am so glad it’s over.

Where The Rivers Flow North – forgettable, other than a feeling like being dunked in the freezing, churning, never ceasing river for a hundred minutes.

1994

Airheads – not great, would be a lot funnier if the characters weren't so 'serious' about their music.

An Awfully Big Adventure – incredibly depressing and/or creepy.

Andre – this was huge when it came out, which is when I last saw it, wonder why no one mentions it any more?

Baby’s Day Out – Home Alone if instead of a kid outwitting people you just had a completely unaware baby (so a stupid idea).

Black Beauty – don’t let horses make films.

Chung King Express – two stories and I’ve only seen one, but it was quite good.

Don't Drink The Water - the timescale is too long and the characters aren't interesting enough to hold the attention, while the camera work is irritating and distracting. 

Dumb And Dumber – I know they’re supposed to be stupid and I know they’re supposed to be irritating, but at no point did I find that funny.

Ed Wood – "Really?  Worst film you ever saw?  Well, my next one will be better."  A delightful tale of optimism and friendship and possibly the only good biopic I've seen.

Far From Home: The Adventures Of Yellow Dog – I had to watch this at school because everyone else watched Andre and I’d already seen Andre at the cinema, so I was forced to see this instead and I was outraged, but actually this was probably better.

Forrest Gump – certainly watchable.

Four Weddings And A Funeral – ultimately disappointing as I can’t find anything to like about Carrie.

Greedy – most of the characters are funny, but the structure is a mess and the plot mostly idiotic.

Little Women – that woman looks nothing like a grown up Kirsten Dunst.

Loch Ness – tacky, plus terrible Scottish accent alert.

Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein – to create life, take one corpse, buckets of umbilical fluid and some electric eels… this is a stupid film with waaaaaaay too much gore and the ending makes no sense.

Muriel’s Wedding – incredibly depressing and yet not much happens plot-wise, it ends with Muriel and her friend escaping their hometown, a situation they had already reached an hour ago.

Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult – another spoof, this one lacks a middle.

Shallow Grave – the world’s three most dislikeable people fight over money, who cares.

Speed – what do you mean Jeff Daniels's character dies?

Stargate – very little plot that stretches on and on for over two hours.

Star Trek: GenerationsWHAT DID THEY DO?

The Adventures Of Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert – “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.  No more f***ing ABBA.”  A very enjoyable film - this is one of my comfort movies.

The Chase – oh dear Lord.

The Flintstones – the film isn’t so good, but the performances are excellent.

The Hudsucker Proxy – lovely fairy tale.

The Jungle Book – if the Jungle Book was Tarzan and The Mummy… and stupid.

The Lion King – lighten up, eh.

The Mask – did I mention I don’t like Jim Carrey?

The Pagemaster – have they even read a book?

The Return Of Jafar – a bit naff (more a pilot to the series than a sequel to the film) but it's an interesting idea to focus on Iago.

The Road To Wellville – creepy.

The Shadow – Alec Baldwin really is as sexy as 30 Rock was always saying.

The Shawshank Redemption – it’s okay but the ending rambles on far too long.

The Swan Princess - "You should write a book: How To Offend Women In Five Syllables Or Less." Passable children's fare; how does Odette not have a mother, even when she was born?

True Lies – probably the most fun I’ve had watching an action film.

1995

Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls – it can’t be as bad as the first one.

Apollo 13 – the fact that even after an explosion that sees oxygen levels plummeting, the characters still chat about whether they’ll be getting to the moon somewhat detracts from the whole life or death drama; and while the claustrophobic scenes of the astronauts can be nerve-racking, we always cut immediately to the safety of Houston, killing the suspense.

Babe – utterly untaxing, but pleasant.

Batman Forever – like 60s Batman but much worse.

Casper – not good.

Copycat – unpleasant.

Desperado – detested this.

Die Hard With A Vengeance – a fun action film; hoorah!

Dracula: Dead And Loving It – an okay spoof.

Dr Jekyll And Ms Hyde – diabolically awful.

Fargo – boring and unpleasant.

Father Of The Bride Part 2 – the moral of the film is that we must never ever change or grow; no one faces any trials (or plot) of any (relevant) kind and yet, despite it all, this is better than the first one.

French Kiss – Kevin Kline and Meg Ryan are fun, but enough of the scenery worship.

From Dusk Till Dawn – turns out I’m not a teenager any more.

Get Shorty – slick and funny but none of the plot strands go anywhere (can we say NOVEL ADAPTATION?).

GoldenEye – unbelievable, unendurable and stodgy; Alec, just SHOOT James already.

Heatsuch a massive cliché, this shows us a cop and a villain and suggests they are similar, yeah, groundbreaking; what this comes down to is a bunch of ugly violent people mumbling incomprehensibly for almost three hours; have a nap instead, it’d be more interesting, and more original.

Jumanji – "Well, a little rain never hurt anybody."  "Yeah, but a lot can kill you."  Entertaining kids' film.

Nick Of Time – thrilling enough on a first watch, but not particularly well made and more tedious and embarrassing on each repeat viewing.

Nine Months – Hugh Grant's characters always seem to be paired with repulsive women I don’t want him to end up with in these things.

Nixon – forgettable.

Pocahontas – barely scratches the surface of either plot or character.

Sabrina – I certainly don’t want her to end up with Linus.

Sense And Sensibility – good, but suffers severely from Austen's 'tell don't show' style and seriously, couldn't someone kiss?

Se7en – didn’t do it for me (and that doesn’t look like a v).

The American President – a relationship I don’t care about, politics I don’t understand, no, this is not the film for me.

The Brady Bunch Movie – neither spoof nor homage, this falls flat between the two.

The Usual Suspects – would probably be better if it had just been the story with the twist, rather than the flashback, then it would have been subtle and more convincing, as it is, at times I found it tediously obvious and sniggeringly silly.

The Wind In The Willowsawful; badly made and very, very boring.

Tommy Boy – why did I watch this?

Toy Story “You Are A TOY”  Emotional, magical, thrilling, funny… perfect, a classic both for children and adults; it’s always inspiring and refreshing to have a lead who is intelligent and heroic but also underhand and snide; I was about 11 when Toy Story came out and I loved it; I love it even more now.

Trainspotting – stylish and witty it might be, but pretension, vapidity and gratuitousness let it down.

Tremors II: Aftershocks"Actually, I'm not the original guy."  There isn't much of a plot and it looks quite cheap, but there are laughs to be had.

Twelve Monkeys – that twist sure is frustrating, forgettable.

Waterworld – dull.

While You Were Sleeping – self-indulgently sentimental, but sometimes that’s exactly what you need.

1996

Aladdin And The King Of Thieves – ties up the trilogy and TV series but I didn’t see it until I was grown up so it meant nothing to me.

A Midsummer Night’s Dreamone of those stage shows they record on film and probably lose what worked about it live; this does nothing with the material.

A Very Brady Sequel – who really cares, should have been wittier.

Dear God – lightweight Christmas fluff, this is corny and pointless but Greg Kinnear convinces as a con artist and he is entertaining.

Down Periscope – bit naff, but watchable.

Emma - so unbelievably fast-paced that it doesn't entirely make sense; some novels are not meant to be films.

Fly Away Home – very slow but once the adorable baby geese turn up, it’s all worth it.

Happy Gilmore – forgettable.

Homeward Bound II: Lost In San Francisco – a lot worse than the first one with nauseating additions to the cast, but Michael J Fox is still an entertaining voice actor.

Independence Day – cheesy, very clichéd and soppy with the word ‘American’ being said far too often and devoid of female role models, somehow it’s watchable, even enjoyable, maybe it’s because of the utter ‘them versus us’ mentality or skilful casting of likeable actors; dumb yet fun.

Jack – sad.

James And The Giant Peach – lame.

Jane Eyre – who casts William ‘boring’ Hurt as Mr Rochester?

Jerry Maguire – strangely watchable.

Larger Than Life – probably naff, but I enjoyed it when I was a teen.

Lost Highway – wha?

Mars Attacks! – yet another spoof.

Matilda – good but doesn’t quite capture the magic of the book.

Michael – forgettable.

Mission: Impossible – boring espionage stuff, strung together with an awkward structure, a badly written script, no character development, plot holes from blatant deleted scenes and villains and twists obvious from Uranus.

Multiplicity – kinda fun.

Muppet Treasure Island – fun but sailing quite far from the source material.

Primal Fear – Edward Norton is brilliant, shame about the rest.

Scream – I don’t like violent films even if they’re satirical.

Sgt Bilko – sided with the antagonist again (because he’s completely in the right).

Sleepers – I like the start anyway.

Star Trek: First Contact – if it ain’t Kirk, I don’t care.

Surviving Picasso – this film taught me that Picasso was a right git.

That Thing You Do! – kind of enjoyable, but never really goes anywhere and how many times can you play the same song.

The Adventures Of Pinocchio – watchable but not great.

The Birdcage – “You're going to a cemetery with your toothbrush...  How Egyptian."  Robin Williams and Nathan Lane are brilliant.
 
The Cable Guy – "I don't know what the big fuss is about. I saw that movie nine times. It rules!" I find myself wanting to like this film a lot more than I do, just because other people don't like it so much, but honestly while the premise is really interesting, it may have been a lot more compelling with a different cast. 

The English Patient – didn’t get it.

The Frighteners – fun and creepy.

The Hunchback Of Notre Dame – while admirable that Disney have a disfigured lead, many plot elements are not suitable for the audience (the villain's lust for the heroine, for example) and the 'comedy' is out of place and hammered in.

The Nutty Professor – forgettable.

The Phantom – the Phantom’s superpower seems to be boring the audience to death, the plot is pointlessly dull and nothing that happens makes any sense.

The Rock – what once I enjoyed as cheesy fun I now see only as irritating cliché, it is entertaining if there’s nothing better to do but there’s always something better to do.

The Wind In The Willows – Steve Coogan and Eric Idle are good (the others aren’t), it’s a lot of fun, the make-up is excellent and the actors appear to be having a whale of a time; but the dog food plot is just stupid and the ending is the big let down.

Twister – one of the stupidest films ever made.

1997

Air Bud – okay Sunday afternoon kid’s film.

Air Force One – watchable nonsense, with a disappointing finale.

A Life Less Ordinary – I despised this.

Anastasia – enjoyable.

As Good As It Gets – are we seriously supposed to want Melvin and Carol together?

Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery – forgettable, I never really got the Austin Powers craze.

Batman & Robin – who cares by this point; it can't be worse than the previous one.

Bean – anorexic film, edited within millimetres of life.

Boogie Nights – too many characters.

Breast Men – another depressing biopic.

Casper: A Spirited Beginningthe amount of incompetence that has gone into this film is actually impressive, it’s a g-g-g-god awful film (and THIS year’s Worst Father Award goes to…).

Con Air – “I’m gonna show you God does exist.”  Hilarious, from the absurdly cheesy dialogue, to the endless stream of impossible explosions, to the patriotic strains of an electric guitar underscoring all the most embarrassing moments, this is a hysterical example of ‘Dumb OTT American Action Flick From The 90s’.  “Don’t.  Treat.  Women.  Like.  That!”

Contact – forgettable.

Face/Off – the dumbest film ever made.

FairyTale: A True Story – not fascinating.

Fierce Creatures – fun, except for the boring Willa.

Flubberthis didn’t really do it for me, even when I was a kid.

Gattaca – a good premise, wasted; nothing happens, nothing is gained, nothing changes, by the end, Vincent has made no one’s life better and hasn’t learnt anything, also, what happens to Jerome is horrifying.

George Of The Jungle – forgettable pants.

Godzilla – atmospheric and funny.

Good Will Hunting – it's just kind of 'meh' really.

Grosse Pointe Blank – hit men get on my nerves.

Hercules – the montage nature of the story means we never really get to know Hercules, while the actual plot is trite, dull and has little to do with the mythology on which it's based.

I Know What You Did Last Summer – stupid slasher.

In & Outthis used to be one of my favourite films but now I find its portrayal of homosexuality is skin deep and frankly a bit offensive; but the ‘Exploring Your Masculinity’ tape and the Oscar-winning film ‘To Serve and Protect’ are still funny.

Jungle 2 Jungle – kind of okay once, then very naff.

LA Confidentialwhile the dialogue is entertaining, the ham-fisted plot is full of clichés, the story holds no surprises, the characters are one dimensional, their arcs appear to have been written with a sledgehammer and the ending is an irritating cop-out.

Lawn Dogs – weird and po-faced.

Liar Liar – who else wants to punch Jim Carrey?

Life Is Beautiful (La Vita E Bella) - makes you feel worse the more you think about it.

Martha – Meet Frank, Daniel And Laurence – predictable, stupid and DULL; and the moral is you should dump your lifelong friends for a woman you just met; the only fun I could have with this film was imagining how I would re-cut it as a horror film (I do fancy Tom Hollander though).

Men In Black – fun but there’s no depth to it.

Mousehunt – brilliant slapstick piece; Nathan Lane is marvellous.

Mrs Brown - oh who cares.

My Best Friend’s Wedding – forgettable.

Scream 2 – why did they kill off Randy?

Sliding Doors – got on my wrong side, somehow.

Space Jam – Looney Tunes are funny, sport is boring, whose stupid idea was this?

Spice World: The Movie – not as bad as I was expecting but no way I would watch it again.

Subway Stories: Tales From The Underground – these short stories are evocative in their own ways but there’s no narrative drive so overall it’s unsatisfying; if only there had been some kind of arc or recurring character, just to draw it all together.

The Big Lebowski – I just don’t get it.

The Edge – Anthony Hopkins is good, but it’s a gruesome, stupid film with clumsy ‘moralising’.

The Fifth Element – Gary Oldman and Ian Holm carry it and remind us what the rest is probably supposed to be like.

The Full Monty entertaining for a one-watch, so you don’t notice how it never really scratches the surface of the characters or how the plot is incredibly brief yet heavy-handed.

The Lost World: Jurassic Park – who knew Jurassic ‘excuse for dinosaurs to eat people’ Park could get even dumber.

The Magic Sword: Quest For Camelot – awful.

The Man In The Iron Mask – baaaaaaaaaaaad acting.

The Man Who Knew Too Little – very fun, just don’t stop to think about the ending.

’Til There Was You – really did not want them to end up together, although mostly just didn’t care.

Titanic – insulting.

Trial And Error – a harmlessly lame comedy that will pass an afternoon, but not challenge or move you in any way.

Twin Town – was bored.

Volcano – the sense of gleeful edge-of-seat anticipation carried me right through to the end, but I made the mistake of watching it again and realised it's just a bunch of unconnected scenes in which people die a lot.

Wilde – so boring.

1998

A Bug’s Life – funny but I just don't care a jot about the ants.

All The Little Animals – Christian Bale is amazing, shame about the clichéd plot and general terribleness of the film.

American History X – good and yet somehow failed to keep my attention.

Babe: Pig In The City – worth watching for just why anyone thought this gothic film should be about Babe, but not really suitable for children.

Blade – yet another lame trendy vampire story, with some politics thrown in too, the story doesn’t go anywhere and it was a boring ride to this nowhere.

Blast From The Past – terrible.

Blues Brothers 2000 – it's a pointless remake of the original.

Casper Meets Wendy – better than the second film and for that, I am willing to forgive a lot.

City Of Angels – don’t cycle around blind corners on mountains with your eyes shut.

Croupier – completely forgettable.

Dark City – didn’t do it for me.

Deep Rising – utter pants; the tagline 'Full Scream Ahead' is the best thing about this catastrophe of a monster movie.

Doctor Dolittle – forgettable.

Elizabeth – insanely gruesome.

Enemy Of The Statefull of baffling techno-blah and ludicrous action plot stuff, but it’s funny and exciting when it’s meant to be, so kind of enjoyable.

Ever After: A Cinderella Story – watchable if there’s nothing else to do.

Hideous Kinky – okay but forgettable.

I Still Know What You Did Last Summer – another dumb slasher.

Jack Frost – can’t believe this made me cry.

Le Diner De Cons - never was so much humour conveyed through just a look.

Lethal Weapon 4 – stupid, forgettable.

Lock, Stock And Two Smoking Barrels – better the second time, once I knew who the hell everyone was.

Meet Joe Black – I liked the ending the first time I saw it, but only because the film stopped being repulsive, otherwise it’s way too long and boring.

Mulan - lovely tale of female empowerment, if lacking in rewatch value.

Out Of Sight – okay but forgettable.

Paperback Hero – forgettable other than a topless Hugh Jackman.

Perfect Blue – screwed up.

Pleasantville – excellent film, until it goes all heavy-handed on the metaphors.

Practical Magic – a very confused film, clearly a novel adaptation, it just doesn’t work.

Rushmore - didn't engage.

Shakespeare In Love – if they both died, I wouldn’t care.

Simon Birch – one of those ‘watchable because I have nothing better to do’ films.

Sleepy Hollow – this might be one to miss if it wasn’t for Johnny Depp's hilarious performance.

Small Soldiers – apart from the occasionally very funny bit and the creepy and scary action sequences this is just tame kids’ fare.

Snake Eyes – twist!

Sphere – hated it, baffling and yet dumb.

Star Trek: Insurrection – still don’t care about these characters (this would be fine as an episode, by why is it a film?)

Stepmom – stepmom is actually not a very important character at all, the title and the trailer are total misnomers, presumably because some exec at some point went, ‘whoa whoa whoa, no one is going to go see the cancer movie; pretend it’s about divorce instead’; it’s an utterly bipolar plot and the moral is cancer makes everyone friends; well that’s nice.

The Connaff and unconvincing.

The Faculty – probably the most fun you'll have watching a teen flick so a real shame it's so overbearingly pro-drugs.

The Lion King 2: Simba’s Pride – the story of how Simba grew up to be a terrible king, so thanks for that.

The Mask Of Zorro – pants.

The Opposite Of Sex – very slick black comedy.

The Pentagon Wars – watchable.

The Prince Of Egypt - looks amazing, but isn't emotionally involving unless you count the horror of watching Moses not want to be an Egyptian any more because of Hebrew babies being killed, and then watching the Hebrews celebrating Egyptian babies being killed.

The Truman Show – good but cold.

The Waterboy – didn't make me laugh.

The Wedding Singer – they get together; that’s all there is to this tedious ‘rom-com’ that forgets both romance and comedy, so now I’ve saved you the pain of having to sit through it.

The X-Files – a big confusing mess of weird nothing.

Urban Legend – everyone on this campus happens to own the exact same coat.

What Dreams May Come – a big stupid lot of sad, poorly done.

You’ve Got Mail – charming (though the ending is a little flat).  Read my full review here.

1999

10 Things I Hate About You – nothing particularly good about it but nothing particularly bad about it either; it’s a nothing-film; it’s a teen flick.

Alice In Wonderland – while giving this story a plot and theme draws it together and creates an arc we can follow, it thwarts the point of the book, for now instead of everyone being rude to Alice, they help her; cast are great though.

American Beauty – didn’t get it, besides when it was new teenagers kept going on about plastic bags, which drove me MAD.

A Midsummer Night’s Dream – the all-star cast do NOTHING with the material.

Analyze This – funny but forgettable.

An Ideal Husband – if only Oscar Wilde could come back to life so I could punch him in the face.

Animal Farm - the patronising narration by Jessie the dog suggests this is a children's film but it's not suitable for children; it is a gruelling, cruel and depressing horror story; a poor adaptation with wasted visuals that will leave you at best irritated and patronised, at worst shattered and hollow inside.

Anna And The Kingbrilliant performances from Jodie Foster and Chow Yun-Fat.

Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me – I think I laughed twice.

Being John Malkovich – creeped the hell out of me.

Big Daddy – worth a laugh, but I didn’t like the characters or plot.

Bowfinger – entertaining but I think I've watched it too many times.

Cradle Will Rock – "Please join us, we were just creating an insurmountable tension for our working relationship."  Overstuffed with so many characters and subplots that the meaning gets lost, but when it actually focuses on the title musical it's very enjoyable.

Dogma – loathed this.

Drop Dead Gorgeous – "I'll be right behind you in the hearse!"  A funny film.

East Is East – okay I guess, kind of depressing.

Edtv - not awful, but Ed really isn't a character worth watching. 

Election – a very sharp black comedy, if too black sometimes.

Fantasia 2000 – I didn't even like the first one.

Fight Club absolutely tedious and making a point so stale that the birds wouldn’t touch it (the twist is blatant from the start).

Galaxy Quest"Let's get out of here before one of those things kills Guy."  Lots of witty lines and memorable performances by Sigourney Weaver, Alan Rickman and Sam Rockwell.

Girl. Interrupted – pretentious, forgettable.

Happy, Texas – it’d work better if Jeremy Northam was gay.

Inspector Gadget – pants with a couple of funny bits.

Isn’t She Great – not really.

Lake Placid – way too short, Brendan Gleeson plays the only likeable person in it (there’s a problem with the characters when I spend the entire finale worrying about that poor cow (good news, it survives) and not the humans) and for some reason the croc appears to be bulimic, so how did it grow so big?

Love’s Labour’s Lost – not great.

Magnolia – I studied this at college and have seen it a million times so have no actual thoughts on it any more.

Man On The Moon – made me sad.

Mansfield Park – clearly trying to make period drama appealing to the teen audience (embarrassing).

Maybe Baby – not very good.

Mickey Blue Eyes – fluff.

Mission: Impossible 2 – at the time it was the worst film I’d ever seen at the cinema; I haven’t bothered watching it since.

Molly – bit naff, but watchable (although it’s a rip of Flowers For Algernon, right?).

Muppets From Space – killed the Muppets for me.

My Favourite Martian – pants.

Mystery Men – not that good which is a shame because it’s a funny idea.

Never Been Kissed – yes she has, she’s just never had a good kiss (teen flick).

Notting Hill – dump her!

Office Space – forgettable.

Pushing Tin – hardly interesting.

Runaway Bride – completely forgettable.

Scream 3 – they really should have stopped making these.

She’s All That – I cannot BELIEVE I liked this when I was a teen.

Soccer Dog: The Movie – watchable Sunday afternoon kids’ fare, but the POV doesn’t quite work.

South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut – I’m not really a South Park fan.

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace – bored me.

Stuart Little – lovely fairy tale.

Tarzan – Tarzan is actually a really likeable lead, but the comedy sidekicks need killing.

The Bachelor – a lot of fun, even if his ‘fear of commitment’ isn’t remotely believable.

The Green Mile – just did not care.

The Haunting – awful film with unbelievable misunderstanding of what is scary, exacerbated by rubbish cgi.

The Iron Giant – "What kind of sick person would name a kid Hogarth?"  This movie doesn't quite work for me, probably because Hogarth is an irritating, bland child who spends his time shouting, playing dumb games and rarely having any actual emotions; there's little depth to these characters, while the Iron Giant's journey is fairly compelling, beyond him there're no interesting or likeable characters, and no one at all to identify with.

The Matrix – a big pile of nonsense full of bad dialogue, bad acting, flat characters, accidentally amusing fight scenes and even a character returning from the dead due to a kiss (gah!).

The Mummy – stupid.

The Ninth Gate – horrid.

The Sixth Sense Haley Joel Osment is amazing but the Bruce Willis stuff just gets in the way, as does the unrealistic dialogue and the pretentious camerawork. 

The Talented Mr Ripley – the ending is unnecessary.

The Virgin Suicides – goes nowhere.

The World Is Not Enough – this was a bad year for the cinema.

Three Kings studied this at college so little thoughts left; it’s violent, exciting, funny and moving, but it’s too slick for its own good and there’s no escaping that this is SATIRE.

Toy Story 2 – good, but not nearly as good as the first film, it rather lazily reverses the roles of the leads despite it not making sense, the plot is too disjointed and doesn’t swell together neatly or inevitably in the end and it gains nothing from adding new characters and massive action sequences.

Virtual Sexuality some of it is all right (for teens) some of it is just lame.

Wild Wild West – mostly forgettable.

2000

28 Days – didn’t enjoy.

Bedazzled – a string of one-joke scenes, they do raise a laugh but not worth watching.

Best In Show - mild.

Billy Elliot – the best of its genre, it is melodramatic but Jamie Bell is excellent.

Bootmen – felt like a soap.

Born Romantic – some good moments but it’s undermined by its ensemble nature, the male leads are fairly well developed but the females are nothing more than a slag, a snob and a kook, and only one pairing looks like it will last, also, enough salsa already!

Bring It On – forgettable, apart from the moral: when they cheat, they win; when they don’t cheat, they lose; so what does that teach us?

Cast Away – didn’t do it for me.

Charlie’s Angels – naff.

Chicken Run – enjoyable.

Coyote Ugly – you really have to be the right age to enjoy this film, and I haven't been that age in over a decade.

Dinosaur – not particularly good.


Frequency – such a cool plot.

Gladiator – far too grisly and very boring.

Gone In Sixty Seconds – stupid film.

High Fidelity – it certainly has something.

Little Nicky – dumb but funny occasionally.

Memento – look, it’s backwards, that makes it clever (felt very patronised watching this).

Me, Myself & Irene – dumb.

Miss Congeniality – fluff that tries and forgets to make some kind of point about feminism.

Nurse Betty – odd mix of genres, very good in places, unsettling in others.

O Brother, Where Art Thou? – failed to interest or amuse me.

Relative Values – "We just say  'riding' in England.  The horse-back's taken for granted."  Unfortunately neither deep nor hilarious.

Save The Last Dance – didn’t grab me then, forgettable now.

Scary Movie – rubbish, although the finale made me chuckle.

Shadow Of The Vampire – horrible.

Snatch – so stylish I want to punch it in the face; it was fun but not involving.

The Dish – I thought it was going to be a comedy so was pretty bored by the drama that followed (why do advertisers push dramas as comedies so often?).

The Emperor’s New Groove – funny but no guts.

The Family Man – okay for a one-watch.

The Flintstones In Viva Rock Vegas – lame, forgettable.

The Little Mermaid II: Return To The Sea – WHAT DID THEY DO?

The Next Best Thing – another ‘not a comedy as advertised’, really quite nasty.

The Road To El Dorado – "I blame you." Love it.

The Whole Nine Yards – forgettable.

Titan A.E. - despite a clichéd plot, this is still too weird for me with creepy visuals that freak me out. 

Unbreakable – what if superheroes were boring?

What Lies Beneath – one massive cliché; with a red herring plot that’s more interesting than the real one, endless no-not-really explanations, an avenge-me ghost, memory loss and a just-can’t-be-killed killer, you’d think this was a spoof, but of course it’s all dreadfully po-faced.

Where The Heart Is - clearly a novel adaptation; a melodrama with cheesy music, stuffed with multiple births, deaths and marriages, and kidnappers, paedophiles, tornadoes and crippling train accidents hiding behind every number 5; but it's still affecting.

Wild About Harry – bit naff.

X-Men  "It's me."  "Prove it."  "You're a dick."  Watching this reminds me of those days when a superhero movie was something mysterious and exciting; and although the three X-Men are rather flat and side-lined and it could do with a proper sense of humour, all the Wolverine/Rogue scenes are brilliant and this film is fresh exciting, cool, emotional and full of potential. Read my full review here.

2001

A Beautiful Mind – excellent one-watch film.

AI: Artificial Intelligence – not sure what I was meant to like about this.

A Knight’s Tale – one of those ‘if they both died, I wouldn’t care’ films.

Amélie – lovely (apart from the surprise dirty bits).

American Pie 2 – I survived watching this.

Animal Attraction (Someone Like You) – it’s just rubbish.

Atlantis: The Lost Empire – pretty good in places, shame about the baffling crystal plot; tries to be far too big for an animated kids' movie.

Bridget Jones’s Diary – enjoyable.

Christmas Carol: The Movie – I liked it when I saw it at the cinema, but in retrospect it’s probably rubbish (at least it tries to do something different with the tired source material).

Conspiracy – forgettable.

Donnie Darko oh get lost.

Eight Legged Freaks – gets better as it goes.

Enigma – so boring.

Evolution – not that good.

From Hell - this is a terrible story, missing everything that makes murder mysteries interesting and including everything that makes them dumb and contrived, one of the worst films I've ever seen.

Get Over It – a lot of innovative techniques and ideas, but ultimately you still need to be a teenager to enjoy.

Gosford Park – with about a million different character connections and motivations to get straight, it could do with coming with a reference guide, but it’s still enjoyable, clever, witty and populated with an excellent cast (notably Clive Owen).
 
Hannibal – utter awful rubbish, but what do you expect from the source material.

Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone – it’s watchable but I don’t get the point of Ron and Hermione, they could easily be cut and Ron looks like he’s got wind throughout the film while Hermione can’t speak without gyrating her head like she’s about to throw up.

I Am Sam – one of those emotionally manipulative dramas (Dakota Fanning is terrifyingly grown up and it’s difficult to imagine that she really is a child and not some alien overlord come down to our pitiful planet to make us her slaves).

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus – fluff for kids.

Jeepers Creepers – good for about three minutes, then it’s tripe.

Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius – forgettable.

Jurassic Park III – exciting and fun rather than scary, which is where I like my monster movies.

Just Visiting – not very good.

Legally Blonde about two thirds in, this pointless and insulting tirade of obvious lameness gives up on plot and character and just starts ranting ‘Women GOOD; Men BAD’ and sees Elle winning a court case because it rests on knowledge of hairdos and shoes rather than because she’s learnt anything about law.

Monsters, Inc – a plot so obvious I guessed the entire thing from the trailer.

Not Another Teen Movie – maybe as many as two laughs in the entire film, if I’m generous.

Ocean’s Eleven – smug; the characters are all so laid back and Smug that they never worry so there’s no tension so it’s all extremely boring; only it’s so damn SMUG that it’s also grating; it boils down to a heist that’s boring, heroes that can’t be liked, a villain that can’t be hated and a romantic interest with no interest.  Far more irritating than the original.

One Hour Photo – the camera ponders on huge empty sets to painfully slow ‘is your skin crawling yet’ music while Robin Williams stares into space, and first time viewers wet themselves by the threat suggested by its very absence, and the rest of us smack our heads into the wall knowing NOTHING is going to happen for another forty minutes.

Orange County – okay for a one-watch teen flick, I guess, certainly not worth watching again.

Osmosis Jones – at times funny and sweet but never that good.

Rat Race – "Look, a drifter; let's kill him."  A dense mixture of both the funny and the lame. 

Serendipity – really didn’t like it at all.

Shrek – it’s not funny and the moral is screwed up.

The Cat’s Meow – all problems can be solved by Charleston, Charleston, Charleston

The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring – the fellowship take an hour and a half to form and then at the end, having not yet reached where they are supposed to be going, they disband so I wonder what was the point of them and this film in the first place (also the best character is killed).

The Majestic it’s an uncomfortable experience, watching two plots, one where people think Peter is Luke but we know he’s not, and one where people think Peter is a communist, but we know he’s not, waiting for these two disparate strands to collide.

The Man Who Wasn’t There – just could not engage with this.

The Mummy Returns – so dumb, also a bore, so much worse than the first film and that wasn’t very good.

The Others – the servant plot makes no sense, the ending isn’t great and it doesn’t live up to repeat viewings, but it’s tense and moody (and occasionally startlingly frightening), creepy and extremely atmospheric, all quietness and darkness, tinted with the feeling that something is very wrong here and that’s where it’s good.

The Parole Officer – a gentle comedy that’s occasionally very funny but spoils itself by going too far with pathetic grossness and is less funny with every re-watch.

The Princess Diaries – forgettable.

The Royal Tenenbaums – ever get the feeling Wes Anderson would have been happier as a novelist?

The Score – the first time the heist was tense and the twist was cool, but that’s lost completely with repeat viewings (Edward Norton’s good though).

Tremors 3: Back To Perfection - a witty script, loads of references and it all ties up, there are problems here but it's also a lot of fun.

Vanilla Sky – pseudo-clever stuff, with a twist that makes the whole film pointless followed by a lame ending—McCabe’s existentialism was the only interesting bit; forgotten all of it now.

What Women Want – really fun and inventive, but that ‘romance’ kills it (Hunt is a black hole to Gibson’s charisma).

Wit – cancer is sad.

2002

28 Days Later… – occasionally ludicrous, often pretentious and constantly boring, a party of tedium and depression.

About A Boy – pithy, witty comedy, extremely clever and very cynical, only let down slightly by the romance.

Adaptation. – very funny, very clever.

A Guy Thing – ghastly.

Analyze That – terrible unneeded sequel.

Bad Company – inoffensive action film complete with plot holes, tacky editing and flat leads, but I liked Agent Seale.

Blade II – couldn’t stand it, forgettable.

Blood Work – ghastly, stupid action flick.

Bowling For Columbine – effective.

Bubba Ho-tep – would work a lot better as a short film.

Catch Me If You Can – excellent, compelling film; its wit and charm carry you through.

Chicago – impressive dance numbers, a miscast Renée Zellweger, a slightly more coherent plot than the stage show but cuts lots of important character stuff and missing some of the better songs; it looks good but as with the show, it's hard to care about any of it. 

Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind – not good, not helped by the direction.

Death To Smoochy – the Randolph versus Sheldon stuff works (when it’s not desperate) but the rest is just boring and unnecessary.

Dragonfly – why do ghosts never just explain what they’re trying to say in understandable ways?

Full Frontal – what was that?

Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets – despite Harry saving them all from Voldemort in the last film, they now believe that he is a raging murderer; these people are idiots.

Hey Arnold! The Movie – naff with random references, but Helga does finally tell Arnold how she feels.

Hope Springs – paint-by-numbers romance, Colin Firth is very good but that’s not enough to save a dull script.

Ice Age – a compelling and funny story with interesting characters.

Interstate 60 - one of those films that makes my life a little bit worse for having seen it.

It’s A Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie – giving Kermit the George Bailey treatment is a fun idea but what’s with the sexual references?

K-19: The Widowmaker – okay for what it is I guess.

Kate & Leopold – forgettable and the ending is dumb.

Lilo & Stitch - love the relationship between orphaned sisters; pretty much cry throughout the whole film.

Men In Black 2 – bit naff but kinda fun.

My Big Fat Greek Wedding – the moral is: embrace your heritage even if it takes every piece of happiness and individuality from you, and make sure it controls the lives of your husband and children too.

Nicholas Nickleby – once Phlegm or whatever he was called died it went downhill (also, Mr Nickleby, that’s not an English accent).

Panic Room – one of the best examples of the suspense thriller, taut and terrifying, exhilarating and entertaining, viewing after viewing.

Red Dragon – forgettable, never amounts to much because it tries too hard to evoke The Silence Of The Lambs, rather than being a film in its own right.

Road To Perdition – the opening narration spoils what’s going to happen.

Scooby-Doo – “I’m a man of substance.  Dorky chicks like you turn me on too.”  Some of it is brilliant but some of it is awful, shame really.

Shanghai Knights – this just could not catch my attention.

Signs – I can’t believe they left their dog outside.

Spider-Man – there’s not much to the characters and the ‘comic-book dialogue’ is poor and hokey, but the film is funny.

Star Trek: Nemesis – the fourth and final Next Generation film again basically only stars Picard and Data, making you wonder why the other cast members bother turning up and I still don’t care about any of them.

Stuart Little 2 – a complete waste of space.

The Bourne Identity – “How could I forget about you?  You’re the only person I know.”  Watchable for an action film but having the audience know what it takes Bourne the whole film to find out is dull.

The Hot Chick – surprisingly watchable.

The Hoursoh it’s just so boring and pretentious.

The Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers – way too many main characters, so whenever the film cuts back to a group it’s very ‘oh yeah, them’ and they still haven’t succeeded in what they set off to do about six hours of film ago.

The Pianist - laboriously horrific and almost entirely lacking in heroism.

The Sweetest Thing – to enjoy, disengage brain (one of those ‘chicks can do gross-out humour’ films).

The Time Machine – utterly unbearably awful.

Tomorrow La Scala! – enjoyable comic drama.

Treasure Planet – lame.

Two Weeks Notice – entertaining mostly thanks to Hugh Grant.

Welcome To Collinwood – perfectly enjoyable but it’s no classic; perhaps more one to rent than own.

xXx – forgettable.

2003

American Splendor – I can't believe I've sat through this twice, ugh.

Big Fish – a bunch of half-baked snippets of tales that probably didn't happen do not make an interesting story.

Brother Bear - really quite poor - children should not be raised by the person who murdered their mother.

Bruce Almighty – endless and humourless.

Cheaper By The Dozen – what starts as a fun family film melts into a distressing and depressing trudge towards the finish line, in which we learn that big problems solve small problems and good people have to give up their dreams for selfish people.

Daredevil – an utterly pants film on every level; there isn’t a good moment here. 

Dead End – stupid but thinks it is clever, which just makes it more stupid.

Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star – better than I expected, okay for a watch once.

Down With Love – successful attempt to homage 60s rom-coms... but there's no other level to it.

Elf – pretty good until the massive plot-shift at the end.

Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind – I’d say interesting rather than enjoyable; it’s very Kaufman.

Finding Nemo – very emotional, very affecting, but the ending is rather trite and the funny touches, while very funny, aren’t enough to counterbalance the emotional heaviness.

Garden State – coma-inducing.

Girl With A Pearl Earring – art (boring).

Gothika – hilariously awful, I spent the time counting the ceiling tiles in the cinema.

Hulk – pretty sure I slipped into a coma.

I Capture The Castle - surprisingly good novel adaptation but it messes up the twist by deliberately making it blatant from the start and the ending just doesn't capture the brilliance of the book.

Identity – stupid, with a double twist (one painfully obvious and one utterly ridiculous).

InterMission – the wobbling, zooming camera gave me a headache.

Intolerable Cruelty – so slick it’s boring.

I Witness – gritty and sad, so not for me.

Johnny English – the plot is embarrassing but overall the film is funny.

Le Divorce – unbearably awful.

Lost In Translation – NOTHING HAPPENS.

Love Actually – by mashing all these plots together, none get attention, development or depth.

Master And Commander: The Far Side Of The World – excellent cinematic experience, but I do want them all to die (bar the doctor and the kid).

Matchstick Men – twist ruins it.

Mona Lisa Smile – okay, quite rushed, obviously a novel adaptation, forgettable.

Peter Pan – Jeremy Sumpter is excellent as Peter.

Pirates Of The Caribbean: The Curse Of The Black Pearl – dumb but watchable (once), if you can put up with the two dullest leads ever.

Runaway Jury – quite enjoyable courtroom thriller.

Stuck On You – kind of lowbrow humour, but the film is sweet and poignant, manages to have a moral without being schmaltzy and it can be funny and moving at the same time.

Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines – there was no need for a third Terminator film and this pathetic sequel offers nothing to excuse its existence. 

The Italian Job – predictable and straightforward, this is at least a harmless way to spend an evening if you can’t be bothered to get up off the settee.

The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen – what a league of rubbish.

The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King – the whole film, and it’s a very, very long film, is one battle, Sam is the only good character (Faramir might be if he had any screen time) and it should all end about twenty minutes sooner than it does; overall, emotionally gruelling.

The School Of Rock – fluff.

Thoughtcrimes – rushes through the plot, throwing characters that are never explained about willy-nilly and repeatedly dumping potential male leads (I did like Brendan though); it’s just dull dreck.

What A Girl Wants - so poor you'd think it was a school play, never was a film so squarely aimed at the tweenage audience, although somehow Colin Firth still gives a great performance.

Willard – had to stop watching it due to cat-peril.

X2 - a major let down after the first one, it's like an early draft that meandered about and never got anywhere but for some reason actually made it to the screen; sure glad they didn't waste the whole sequel opportunity...  Read my full review here.

2004

13 Going On 30 - funny but very sad, Jennifer Garner is a hoot but the quick happy ending isn't enough to outweigh the melancholy preceding it. 

50 First Dates – bittersweet syrup.

Along Came Polly – a big heap of rubbish, I know that romantic comedies are formulaic but that’s not an excuse to not try; the plot is painfully, sledgehammer obvious, the comedy clichéd and old and there’s no conflict.

Anchorman: The Legend Of Ron Burgundy – seems to have confused wit with randomness.

Because Of Winn-Dixie – disappointing, forgettable.

Bridget Jones: The Edge Of Reason – pathetic retread of the first, except now stupid, irritating and puerile.

Churchill: The Hollywood Years – funny in places but overall a let down.

Connie And Carla – oh no, it's so hard being a woman pretending to be a man who dresses as a woman because you can't go out with the boys you fancy.

De-Lovely – it’s boring, pretentious, depressing and explains NOTHING.

Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story – obvious and crude.

Ella Enchanted – dire (nothing like the book).

Finding Neverland – dreamlike, fails to explain anything.

Five Children And It – very disappointing, forgettable.

Garfield – featuring none of the things that Garfield is.

Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban – he’s called Remus Lupin but it’s supposed to be a secret that he’s a werewolf, hilarious!

Hellboy – the plot and writing is terrible, although Hellboy himself is kind of amusing.

Home On The Range - extremely poor.

I ♥ Huckabees – I do not.

I, Robot – painfully obvious, which is a shame because it looked like it would be fun.

Lemony Snicket’s A Series Of Unfortunate Events – good, not as good as it thinks it is, but good.

Looney Tunes: Back In Action – lame, but there are a lot of great cartoon jokes and references and Daffy Duck, Bugs Bunny, Yosemite Sam, Elmer Fudd, Tasmanian Devil, Marvin The Martian, Wile E Coyote, Sylvester, Granny, Tweety, Beaky Buzzard, Foghorn Leghorn, Michigan J Frog, Pepe Le Pew, Porky Pig, Ralph and Sam…

Mean Girls - watchable, if a little preachy, and somehow suggesting that only girls are capable of cruelty.

Napoleon Dynamite – didn’t laugh, forgettable.

National Treasure – incredibly anti-British and logic free.

Ocean’s Twelve – despite a satisfying start, somehow Twelve is actually worse than Eleven, which I honestly didn’t think was possible, it’s a confusing mess, has a limitless list of backtracking double bluffs that make the whole film pointless and it’s dreary and lifeless.

Racing Stripes – pathetic, forgettable.

Raising Helen – clichéd and patronising, it irritated me because I didn’t like Helen.

Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed – funny in places, mainly lame but only in so far as what are you expecting of a live action Scooby Doo film?

Secret Window – terrible twist.

Shaun Of The Dead – did not do it for me, think I was expecting something different from the advertising, it seems to stop being funny halfway through.

Shrek 2 – it would be a nicer moral if they didn’t both have to be ogres, or are only people who look the same allowed to become a couple?

Sky Captain And The World Of Tomorrow – dull, pointless gimmick (nothing is really there, including extras) and the most irritating female lead ever, but Sky Captain does punch her, which I’d wanted to do for the entire film, and the very ending is really funny.

Son Of The Mask – unsurprisingly, it isn’t very good, but the dog vs baby stuff is nicely ACME.

Spider-Man 2 – if you can ignore that Doc Ock’s plan makes no sense, the cheesy dialogue and that Harry has had his personality removed then this is a witty and exciting film (the bit where Peter saves that toddler from the burning building is awesome).

Stage Beauty – it’s amusing and interesting and there are good performances (if you ignore the wobbly accents) but I’m not entirely sure what point it’s trying to make and I didn’t really enjoy it the last time I saw it.

Starsky & Hutch – abysmal, forgettable.

Team America World Police – becomes what it is trying to mock, dull and puerile.

The Incredibles – advertised so much before its release that it was completely ruined and in repeat viewings the film fails to grab me on any level.

The Ladykillers – didn’t make me laugh, wished it would just END.

The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou – mostly boring.

The Lion King 3: Hakuna Matata (The Lion King 1½) – “Well enough of that.”  The plot/ending's a bit naff, but it's very funny.

The Phantom Of The Opera – rubbish.

The Polar Express - all the stuff on the train is atmospheric and exciting, shame the finale of meeting Santa Claus is a major anti-climax.

The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie – okay if you like the cartoon and are nine.

The Stepford Wives – the music is amazing, the dark humour hits the spot, the choreography and direction keep it creepy and threatening but it lacks detail, character development and run time.

The Terminal – enjoyable.

Thunderbirds – WHAT DID THEY DO?

Tremors 4: The Legend Beginsfunny, littered with references, Michael Gross gets to play a very different Gummer and the Graboids are a welcome return to form; but it’s an unnecessary prequel, it’s too serious and needs better characters; still, more westerns should have giant underground monsters in them.

Troy – boring and poorly acted.

Wimbledonharmless fluff but no lasting joy.

2005

A Cock And Bull Story – too short.

Batman Begins – the best of the trilogy by a long way.  

Capote - not sure what the point of it is.

Casanova – ugh, how to win the affections of a woman by undermining and manipulating her at every turn; if you've seen a farce before you'll guess every turn of the plot a mile off.

Charlie And The Chocolate Factory – pointless; Charlie’s characterisation is dumped after half an hour, the Oompa Loompas are incredibly disturbing, the visuals are underwhelming and too computerised, the sub-plot about Willy Wonka’s father is awkward and unnecessary and Johnny Depp’s performance is bizarre and misjudged.

Cheaper By The Dozen 2 – a moral at complete odds with the first film, too many characters, a repetitive plot, a schmaltzy unsatisfying ending plus some offensive anti-gay and disabled jokes, yet this is superior to the first film because it isn’t gruelling.

Chicken Little - naff film with weak jokes, embarrassing attempts to be cool and far too heavy-handed with the emotional plot. 

Constantine – confusing, dull and clichéd, but bearable.

Elektra – pants.

Fantastic Four – the story of four egotists who forget there were FIVE people on that space mission and the evil baddy who randomly goes all Norman Osborn for no reason (possibly because his surname is Von Doom and he just felt it was going that way) and whose grand master evil plan is to cure a guy of his disability.

Fun With Dick And Jane - the story of rich people who mug people so they can afford a Jacuzzi (it's also poorly constructed).

Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire – dull and grim and the plot is even more horrendously obvious than in the last one.

Herbie: Fully Loaded – misses the point of Herbie on many levels, most notably that Herbie is supposed to help those who need help, not someone who is capable of winning on their own and at no point does the villain sabotage Herbie, so at no point does he cheat, so he’s a fairer player than the hero.

Just Like Heaven - with surprisingly interesting characterisation, this would be very enjoyable if it wasn't for that one nagging fact that it's suggesting that an amazing successful hard-working intelligent doctor who constantly saves lives is somehow a failure because she hasn't got a man or babies.

Keeping Mum – enjoyable.

King Kong – so lengthy that Kong feels like a subplot and why is Ann in love with the ape, that’s gross; Kyle Chandler and Colin Hanks are the only highlights.

Kinky Boots – typical clichéd ‘heart-warming’ Brit-flick, but Charlie and Lola are magnificent, shame the film lacks focus (the brief opening scene with a young Simon aka Lola dancing in women’s shoes on a pier is amazing).

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang – brilliantly witty (bit sexist though).

March Of The Penguins – the story of how being a penguin SUCKS.

Monster-In-Law – okay fluff until the lame ending.

Nanny McPhee – the ending is rushed, the moral is a bit shifty and the children are a bunch of ungrateful brats, but Colin Firth is a hoot.

Robots – "You can bunk with me.  We'll ignore the gossip."  A lot of interesting visual ideas, shame the plot and characters aren't half so innovative.

Serenity – I was so bored; this is a Star Wars rip off without the charm; there’s overly serious rambling, tediously choreographed action sequences, an utterly predictable plot and it’s smug.

Sky High – “You know how my mum can communicate with animals?  Apparently they don’t like being eaten.”  Very funny film, if a bit teen-centric at times.

Thank You For Smoking – “Please don’t ruin my childhood.”  Darkly funny, but there’s no character growth or narrative journey, so what’s the point?

The 40 Year Old Virgin – pants.

The Brothers Grimm – awful, not funny, terrible pointless cgi but Heath Ledger is good.

The Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe very dull and I'm sure Peter is abusive to Edmond.

The Family Stone – billed as a comedy, this is actually a drama and it’s ghastly; the Stones are evil and the plot is a cliché (including my least favourite romantic film cliché ‘loosen up an uptight female by getting her drunk rather than relying on character development’) so why should I care.

The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy – the music and special effects are amazing, but the plot and characters are terrible.

The Illusionist – the tagline is ‘Nothing Is What It Seems’ which is hilarious because this is the most predictable film ever.

The Producers – often fails to use the scale a film can handle, settling instead for stagy shots, which is irritating; losing King Of Broadway completely mucks up both the structure of the story and the character development; but it is still very funny with some amazing songs and Nathan Lane is awesome, so I still love it.

The Science Of Sleep – lots of boring, confusing and trippy dream sequences with irritating camera work and the fact that Stephane neither gets better nor learns to live with his delusions is distressing and left me with an uncomfortable and depressed feeling inside.

Tim Burton’s Corpse Bride – Victor completely changes his priorities halfway through, the film becomes boring, irritating, nonsensical, the ending is pathetic and the songs just aren’t songs.

Valiant – the plot is so straightforward it may as well not exist and the animation is bland.

V For Vendetta – I enjoyed it up until that gutting twist, at which point it degenerates into the patronisingly obvious yet unconvincingly unbelievable.

Walk The Line a poorly constructed story that did nothing for me, other than make me dislike and slightly fear Cash.

Wallace & Gromit in The Curse Of The Were-Rabbit – Gromit is still a triumph, but Wallace is too stupid (and now insane) to spend a feature length amount of time with, plus I don't recall actually laughing.

Zathura - "I like Mom's [house] better." "Well, so did she and now it's hers." Couldn't be bothered to see this film when it first came out because it was just advertised as 'Jumanji in space' which it completely is, but it's a perfectly fun family movie worth a watch with wonderful practical effects, so long as you aren't hoping for any strong female role models.

2006

A Good Year – bland.

Alien Autopsy – unfortunately since PJ and Duncan were a big part of my tweenage years, I spent most of the film contemplating this rather than paying attention, but that may be because it never quite engages.

Black Sheepdisgusting and not funny (example, at one point we see a sheep bite off a guy’s penis), it’s irrelevant that the monsters are sheep and it’s boring; the title isn’t a pun, it’s a description – this really is a disgrace.

Bridge To Terabithia – boring yet horrific.

Cars – why do cars exist if there are no humans?

Charlotte’s Web – while retaining the lifestyle-changing heartbreak of the book, this is coated in diabolically bad dialogue and pathetic jokes - just, y'know, read the book instead.

Children Of Men – if you’ve seen one post-apocalyptic drama, you’ve seen them all. 

Click – it isn’t funny, the final third is too depressing and Adam Sandler just seems to be bored.

Confetti – the scenes that made the final cut and the scenes left on the deleted section of the DVD are of equal or random quality, since it was all improvised anyway, so if you watch it all, there is definitely a good film in there, but if you just watch the film you’ll be left somewhat disappointed.

Eight Below - two of the dogs die.

Failure To Launch – very bad, the characters are completely flat and it forgets to actually put any romance in between the set-up and the finale.

Flushed Away – doesn’t have time to set up the characters or plot in enough detail, making it feel empty and the laughs are very hit and miss.

Happily N’Ever After – terrible, has misunderstood the point of Cinderella and its internal logic is non-existent and what is that apostrophe doing?

Happy Feet – comes across as six short stories stuck together rather than a coherent plot, short on character development, the music is terrible (and disturbingly sexualised for a kids’ film) and the ending happens so easily, it might as well not have bothered with any of the struggle.

High School Musical – oh no, Gabriella and Troy are too talented, what tribulation.

Ice Age 2: The Meltdown – comic genius.

Inside Man – slow paced, entirely unconvincing, no thrills, no tension, no emotional involvement.

Little Miss Sunshine – quite a nice film, but it’s difficult to like any of the characters (other than Olive).

Meet The Robinsons – funny, smart and sweet.

Mission: Impossible III (MI:III) – "Throw the switch on and off.  Don't forget the off."  Starting at the end makes 90% of the film redundant, plus it just feels like an endless list of the good guys failing, but other than that and the bad writing, poor direction and scary-Tom-Cruise-doesn't-know-how-to-smile acting, it's fine.

Miss Potter – there’s no focus, not on how Beatrix wrote her stories, not on her relationship with Mr Warne and not on her life in the country; it just feels like they didn’t know where it was going when they wrote it and didn’t bother redrafting when they got to the end.

Monster House – wonderfully nostalgic, funny and creepy, this is thoroughly enjoyable (they should make more films like this and Super 8).

My Super Ex-Girlfriend – as much plot as the title, it is funny but it’s also sexist (towards men), which kind of kills it.

Night At The Museum – making the magical mundane.

Over The Hedge – much more enjoyable than it looks, but it doesn’t really linger in the memory once it has finished.

Pan’s Labyrinth – I very much wish I had not seen this film; twenty minutes in a man has his face and skull bashed in with a bottle on screen; this is the first of many ridiculously graphic moments that make this sadistically unpleasant film utterly gruelling to sit through as the pace trickles along; it’s also heavy-handed, simplistic and dull.

Penelope – the major reason why this utterly pants film doesn’t work is that pig-faced Penelope isn’t ugly, also her romantic interest is incredibly bland, there are too many characters and it’s a boring, convoluted mess; the only thing going for this vapid and hideously misjudged ‘story’ is the comedy, but even that is sporadic and too black.

Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest – I still want my money back; none of the (weak) characters are likeable any more, the plot is insipid, there’s no ending and the makers seem to have forgotten what pirates are; the first film was at least fun the first time round, this doesn’t even have that. 

Sixty Six – so downbeat that the happy ending hasn't a chance of making it up to the viewer (plus over-identifying with the kid leaves me crying throughout).

Starter For 10 – ghastly, he’s just loathsome and it’s pointless.

Stranger Than Fiction – there’s something wrong with a film when the best character is a wristwatch.

Superman Returns – the plot is crummy, the style is jejune and slow and most of the characters and actors are poor.

Talladega Nights: The Ballad Of Ricky Bobby – carrying the sufficient warning label ‘from the people who brought us Anchorman and The 40 Year Old Virgin’, this is as slow and unfunny as I expected.

The Ant Bully – nothing special but a nice moral.

The Fall  -"It says all that on that little locket?"  An enjoyable interweaving of reality and storytelling, with a compelling relationship between man and child, well played by Lee Pace and Catinca Untaru, but somehow I wish the ending had been more developed.

The Holiday Jude Law's character is so perfect he could turn straight men gay, but the rest of the film is pretty lame.

The Host – I dislike that he fails, means I don’t really get it.

The Pink Panther – not funny, therefore a bore.

The Prestige – utter awfulness, this is so bad I immediately went out and read the book as I was sure no book could possibly be this bad (turns out the film repeatedly does the OPPOSITE of what happens in the novel).

The Pursuit Of Happyness – a soul-destroying slog about a jerk.

The Wild – ghastly unfunny hyperactive rubbish (the only thing I enjoyed was the joke that the koala’s nemesis is a toy version of himself).

X-Men - The Last Stand – “What have I done?”  Rogue, Cyclops, where are you, come back!  Read my full review here.

2007

1408 – afterwards I found out I was watching the Director’s Cut; so this is the film how the director wanted it to be; someone out there is proud of this boring and stupid film; that’s really sad.

4: Rise Of The Silver Surferflat characters, wooden actors, atrocious dialogue, unexplained plot developments and the Fantastic 4 are the worst superheroes ever, selfish, slow, not particularly skilled and they don’t learn from their mistakes, but there’s plenty to laugh at (that’s AT, not with).

Alvin And The Chipmunks – bafflingly the chipmunks aren’t the main characters and if you’re going to make an Alvin and the Chipmunks film, get a lead who can actually shout ALVIN!

And When Did You Last See Your Father?I’m just not sure why a non-linear memoir about bereavement sounded like a book that needed to be adapted into a film; the film is exactly as expected, sad, slow, dreary, inconclusive, mildly pretentious and bereft of likeable characters.

Bee Movie – the first half hour is good, the rest isn’t.

Beowulf - extremely unpleasant, upsetting, gruesome, gratuitous, boring, terrible, upsettingly terrible, with hardly any plot or character, nobody seems to have bothered writing a script, I can't believe Robert Zemeckis made it.

Disturbia – utterly ridiculous, this is sort of Rear Window for teenagers, except I was perfectly capable of enjoying Rear Window when I was a teenager.

Enchanted – major let down, but the (underused) cartoon-in-real-world stuff is funny.

Evan Almighty – blatantly an old script that has been poorly changed to be a Bruce sequel, doesn’t really make sense (why does he need animals from all over the world if the flood is localised, also ‘acts of random kindness’ doesn’t mean the same thing as ‘random acts of kindness’) and hugely not funny.

Fred Clauswhen you become a saint, you, your family and spouse live forever… how much of your family; who counts as family; does this mean you can’t have children, because you’ll end up populating the world; don’t saints only become so after death, so do they get resurrected; can you die; what if a car hit you?

Ghost Rider – doesn’t try for a second to make any sense or go anywhere plot-related, at least it’s so predictable that it can be ignored and so isn’t the worst superhero film.

Gone Baby Gone – I loathed this.

Hairspray – fun, entertaining and witty, but it lacks memorable songs, the direction and choreography are unimaginative, there are too many underused characters, it has a weak plot, the moral is heavy-handed and the happy ending comes about remarkably easy; the whole film is a series of easily deflated situations.

Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix – as the plot speeds along, explained only in the lazy device of spinning newspapers, it crashes into the finale, where we learn the good guys will fight Voldemort, but it won’t be in this film; so much like the previous two, this is a non-entity, simply setting stuff up for further sequels.

High School Musical 2 – Sharpay, after having her hard work and dreams destroyed in the first film by the boring Gabriella, again loses everything to the boring Gabriella.

Hot Fuzz – I enjoy it up until the finale.

I Am Legend – the dog-peril was too much for me and I cannot believe the dumb reshot ending which means the whole film makes no sense.

Inkheart – doesn't do justice to the novel.

Juno – so straightforward it’s pointless.

Magicians – it’s okay, but I wish Robert Webb was in it more; Darren Boyd is the highlight.

Mr. Bean’s Holiday – charming and funny, beautifully constructed.

Mr Magorium’s Wonder Emporium – nice fairy tale but it’s so magical that the characters don’t feel real.

National Treasure: Book Of Secrets – it’s still anti-British, the baddie makes no sense and what’s with all the breaking in and stealing; just say, “Hello, I’m that world famous treasure hunter that everyone loves because I found the most important historical discovery ever, could I please look at your antique because there’s a really important clue hidden in it.”

Next – for dumb action fare, it’s watchable (even though the special effects are quite terrible and the characters are utterly flat) because the gimmick is cool.

Ocean’s Thirteen – unbearable; the problem is I hate these smug gits and want them to fail; if only Benedict had stuck to his guns and had them killed when they stole from him in the first film, I wouldn’t have to sit through this irritating and uninteresting smug-fest.

Ratatouille – speeds through every tedious film cliché, making them all worse since they don’t go anywhere, the characters are all dull and it has a boring ending (if you want to watch a film that contains a rodent and gourmet cooking, watch MouseHunt, instead).

Run Fatboy Run – it’s not funny, the lead is detestable and no matter how many ‘emotional’ scenes are rammed in, it has been five years since Dennis left his pregnant fiancée at the alter, FIVE YEARS of seeing her every day, how is it only NOW that he wants to do anything about it?

Shrek The Third – who cares, why did they keep making these?

Son Of Rambowfunny and sweet with two excellent child leads, but personally I’d have cut the weird French kid plot so the film could focus where it belongs, on the relationship between Lee Carter and Will and their home lives.

Spider-Man 3 – WHAT DID THEY DO?

Stardust a boring, patronising, clichéd mess that’s offensively misogynistic (all the women are either malicious, promiscuous or subordinate to men and when Captain Shakespeare, who we know to be proficient at swordplay, puts on a dress, he instantly becomes weak and ineffectual). 

St Trinian’s – a school of minors involved in organised crime, voyeurism, alcoholism, theft, drug abuse, drug dealing, drug smuggling, bullying, violence, murder, sex and solicitation, this is horrific subject matter and the camera spends most of the film looking up the skirts of schoolgirls; Colin Firth's character shouldn't just shut this place down, he should carpet-bomb it back to hell.

Sunshine – following in the footsteps of every science fiction drama ever made, this does nothing new, nothing unexpected, bores the life out of you and yet still manages to have a ludicrous unstoppable killer plot from cheapo slasher films, ooh, the worst of both worlds, thanks.

Surf’s Up – ‘surfing penguins’ is not enough of an idea on which to base an entire film.

The Dark Is Rising (The Seeker) – this wouldn’t be half bad, if anyone had taken the time to explain any of what is going on, but alas they did not and instead it’s an ill-explained, horribly clichéd mess.

The Golden Compassin an unexplained parallel world, one really irritating girl is destined to do absolutely nothing; I could not sit straight-faced through a film where people endlessly mention dust and get very serious and angry about it; and there’s no ending, so it’s confusing right up until it just stops being on.

The Nines – self-indulgent tosh.

Then She Found Me – clearly a novel adaptation so kind of an unfocused mess.

The Simpsons Movie – stays pretty much on ‘meh’ level, these aren’t really the Simpsons, just caricatures of themselves and all the elements in it have been done before, and better.

TMNT – harmless, forgettable.

Transformers –propaganda for the American army.

Wild Hogs – homophobic (among many other flaws).

Zodiac – the gratuitous brutality at the start sickened me.

2008

27 Dresses – “Don’t you have any needs?”  “No, I’m Jesus.”  What's this, non-mediocre dialogue, quick, shove every single rom-com cliché ever devised into the last act so the audience don't start using their brains.  “What colour is this, vomit?”

Baby Mama – it’s some bad writing that can make a plot I’ve never seen before this clichéd.

Bedtime Stories - irritating and unfunny; remind me not to bother with Adam Sandler movies.

Be Kind Rewind - too boring.

Bolt – although it majorly rips off both Toy Story and Toy Story 2, this still manages to tug the heart strings and is enjoyable.

Cloverfield – watchable monster movie.

Coraline – it’s very interesting but all too fleeting.

Definitely, Maybe – interesting structural idea and as rom-coms go it is diverting and not as clichéd, but I don’t want him to end up with any of them (particularly the emotionally manipulative one).

Dr Seuss’ Horton Hears A Who! – I like the Whoville stuff, but not the Horton stuff and the moral is very confused.

Easy Virtue – it's overly keen on the modern touches which can distract from the drama; when it's funny, it's good but when it's serious it's outstanding; Colin Firth is smouldering, acerbic and brilliant.

Four Christmases – it doesn’t work (and what the hell is a jump-jump?).

Frost/Nixon - it's all right; didn't really do much for me.

Get Smart – the female lead is so clichéd I can’t believe she made it into a film this century and I actively prayed for her death when I could muster the energy that this boring and tediously obvious film had dragged from me, because it’s not funny. 

Ghost Town – gentle and effective if soppy and rushed towards the end.

Hancock – there are a few laughs in the premise, then it’s kind of schmaltzy as Hancock meets the world’s nicest guy and learns to be responsible for his actions, but that only takes forty minutes at which point a completely new, boring, confusing plot starts that changes the entire film and makes it really serious.

Hellboy II: The Golden Armyone of the most painful viewing experiences ever, I tried to turn it off, but had been paralysed by boredom and had to lie there waiting for the film to die.

Hotel For Dogs – so stupid it needs to be put down.

Igor – “And bring me back a toy.”  A huge mess, there are so many ideas here that contradict each other, potential sadly wasted.

In Bruges – very simple and obvious, I was bored by the first hour but started to enjoy the final forty minutes.

Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull – glad to have Marion back, but other than that, this can get lost.

Iron Man – gets better the more I watch it, helped greatly by Robert Downey Jr generally oozing charisma.

Kung Fu Panda - do you really enjoy cartoon animals doing kung fu, like reeeeeeeeally enjoy, coz that's all this is?

Mad Money – bland American remake of bland English TV drama.

Mamma Mia! – paternity test!

My Name Is Bruce – I didn’t hate it as much as The Housemate and he’s the Bruce fan.

Nim’s Island – the three plots never satisfactorily come together but the lizard is a hoot.

Phoebe In Wonderland - "Jump." Seems only to exist to introduce Tourette's to the audience.

Recount – compelling but we all know the ending.

Role Models - bizarre mix; the Danny/Augie side of the plot is watchable enough, but what is Wheeler and the crude teen misogynist 'comedy' he brings with him doing here?

Sunshine Cleaning - interesting film but it could go much deeper.

Synecdoche, New York – blood and poo in the first five minutes - do you even want the audience to stick around?

The Accidental Husband – he’s not the accidental husband, he’s the malicious deliberate husband.

The Bank Job – badly written, not very interesting and nasty to boot.

The Brothers Bloom – bit pretentious, stupid ending.

The Bucket ListCarter and Edward go around jumping out of planes and trekking the Earth because one of them is luckily a billionaire, and learn that family will forgive anything if you’re dying and that cancer can be ignored until the moment you drop dead.

The Chronicles Of Narnia: Prince Caspian – everyone from the first film is dead, great sequel idea; and the battle is horrific.

The Dark Knight – I can’t believe the Joker’s convoluted forward-thinking-to-impossible-levels plans work and he survives them by luck, such as when he isn’t crushed to death by that lorry, or he isn’t blown up or shredded in that exploding police station, or he doesn’t have his brains blown out by Harvey.

The Incredible Hulk – tells a good story; Edward Norton's MY Bruce Banner.

The Spiderwick Chronicles – does absolutely nothing new or interesting and is manipulative and dull. 

The Tale Of Despereaux – who is the main character?

The Women – all female cast doesn’t work if all they talk about is men.

The X-Files: I Want To Believe – but the X-File part is the twist so why did they get Mulder in to start with, also, as with the TV show, they fail to save anyone other than themselves.

Tropic Thunder – funny but not hilarious, not particularly clever, doesn’t tell us anything we haven’t seen before in movie parodies and doesn’t go anywhere; the mock trailers at the start are much funnier than the rest of the film.

Twilight I’ve lost part of my life watching this nonsense, I’m still sick about it; watching this dreary teen schlock is like drowning in bad soup, it’s all awful, but it gets everywhere and you can’t get away, you just sink.

WALL-E – entertaining and emotionally charged, it has slapstick, adventure, sacrifice and love, and yes, it is just that little bit awing at times.

Yes Man – utter rubbish.  Read my full review here.

2009

17 Again – diverting enough for this sort of fluff.

A Christmas Carol – why did they bother?

Aliens In The Attic - poor.

Astro Boy – so sad.

A Town Called Panic - amusing.

Avatar – can’t believe I watched this tripe.

Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant – there’s something wrong with a film when the best character is a spider.

Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs – it's just so, so good.

Creation – dull and probably obvious.

Did You Hear About The Morgans? – even Hugh Grant can’t save this.

Dorian Gray – aargh, no, ghastly, bad, terrible, awful, nothing works about this at all, it completely fails at any kind of pace and the ‘monster’ noises coming from the painting are hilarious and what’s with all the slo-mo?

Fantastic Mr Fox – just weird, doesn’t seem to be aimed at children and the animation is creepy.

Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince – what’s the point of the Half-Blood Prince, it makes no difference to anything.

Ice Age 3: Dawn Of The Dinosaurs – I was incredibly disappointed by this, a total dud.

Knowing – nastily depressing.

Monsters Vs Aliens“Don’t think of this as a prison, think of it as a hotel you never leave because it’s locked from the outside.”  It’s fun, but I didn’t care much about the characters (due to the film skipping the month in which they get to know each other) and in the end, Susan’s personality is swallowed entirely as she discovers the only thing worthwhile about her is her superpower, which is an incredibly depressing moral.

Moon - a lot more interesting than it looks, but I wish it had a happier ending, although it does have an ending about fifty per cent happier than I was expecting, plus Sam Rockwell is brilliant.

New Moon – I’m Team ‘Edward and Bella should fall off a cliff and DIE’.

Ondine - it's difficult to empathise with a fisherman.

Sherlock Holmes – a mixture of violent fight scenes that are practically wetting themselves over how cool they are and clichéd Holmesesque deduction; Holmes doesn’t come across as remotely intelligent, just occasionally lucky or psychic (Watson’s good though).

Shutter Island – trippy, twisty nonsense is not my kind of thing and the actors felt like performance artists, the whole thing kept reminding me of The Others, The Wicker Man, Identity, Memento and Gone Baby Gone all mashed together and I have issues with the ending.

Star Trek – WHAT DID THEY DO?

The Ghosts Of Girlfriends Past – bad.

The Imaginarium Of Doctor Parnassus – wha?

The Invention Of Lying – illogical film, it’s a funny idea for a sketch but doesn’t work for a full-length film and veers between being a comedy about blunt people, a clumsy satire on religion and a love story that tells us it’s okay to be ugly so long as you have a nice personality (if you’re a man).

The Princess And The Frog – Tiana and Naveen are awesome.

The Proposal – a rom-com without much focus on either rom or com, plus it’s misogynist, as Andrew rebels against having a female boss and by the end he’s telling her to shut up and forcing her into a kiss; did we just slip back in time sixty years?

Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen – the psychotic ‘goodies’ terrorise the harmless ‘baddies’, chase them when they run away and savagely murder them, and then laugh about it.

Up – the emotional exploration of life after the death of a loved one is at odds with the dispiritingly naff, ridiculously illogical, hole-ridden plot, while the paper-thin villain is an insult to anyone with a brain cell; this is often very amusing and guaranteed to jerk the heartstrings, but overall it’s simplistic and unsatisfying.

Where The Wild Things Are – the puppetry is impressive but otherwise, what a tedious, horrible film, what was that and who could it possibly be aimed at?

X-Men Origins: Wolverine – utter pants.  Read my full review here.

Zombieland – no matter how hard a film tries to look good or have quirky ideas, if it is obvious, it is boring; the only positive I can think of to sitting through this paint-by-numbers childlike attempt to create a piece of fiction is: at least it’s short.  Read my full review here.

2010

127 Hours - "Is it true that despite, or maybe because, you're a big f*cking hard hero, you didn't tell anyone where you were going? Yeah, that's absolutely correct. Anyone? Anyone. Oops."  At first feels over-directed but you get used to it, there're only so many ways you can keep the audience interested in a guy in a hole pinned by a rock, and this works.

Burke And Hare - what are we supposed to get out of this?

Despicable Me – utterly lame.

Diary Of A Wimpy Kid – it was all right.

Furry Vengeance – life threatening.

Grown Ups – not funny, don’t like the characters and going to a water park is not a simple back to your roots thing, it’s what spoilt rich people do.

Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows: Part 1 – nothing really happens.

How To Train Your Dragon – very funny, poignant and the dragon is adorable.

Hugo – the plot is all over the place, it wastes many opportunities and it’s stupid.

Iron Man 2much better the second time.

Knight And Day – stupid so I got bored.

Life As We Know It - despite a mildly interesting premise, this soon slides into the usual hokey Hollywood misogynist pap.

Made In Dagenham - an enjoyable history lesson in the fight for equal pay, but I'm not sure it has much rewatch value.

Megamind – "You were right.  I was... less right."  One of my all-time favourites, exploring character motivation and what makes a villain a villain, whilst being sharp, funny and touching.

Percy Jackson & The Lightning Thief – the plot developments are painfully predictable, the structure mimics that of computer games, with a quest to find objects, levelling up and boss battles, and it’s lazy pandering to teenagers that Percy’s issues are actually superpowers, but the mythology stuff is pretty cool, so it is watchable.

The A-Team – WHAT DID THEY DO?

The King’s Speech – a rather staid historical drama but it’s enjoyable enough and the leads are excellent.

Toy Story 3 – WHAT DID THEY DO?

2011

A Monster In Paris - a nice film, but it raises more questions than it answers and it's jarring that the story starts with the B couple instead of the A couple.

Arthur Christmasmade me kind of MAD and this year’s winner of the Worst Father Award goes to…

Bridesmaids – an okay chick flick, when you ignore the ‘look women can do gross out humour too’ stuff that’s painfully spread on top.

Captain America: The First Avenger – a superhero in the 1940s is AWESOME COOL, Peggy is excellent and how could I possibly say anything bad about a superhero film with this musical number in the middle?

Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows: Part 2 – why did Lupin and that twin have to die, I’d happily trade Ron and Hermione if those other two could survive and what was the point of Snape?

Jane Eyre - excuse me while I scream into a pillow - WHAT DID THEY DO?

Johnny English Reborn - it might not be great but I'd rather watch this than a James Bond.

Kung Fu Panda 2 - it's like the first one except even less interesting, also characters keep getting shot by cannons and surviving.

Paul – GOD AWFUL, it looked like poo from the trailer, it was worse.

Rango - a strange blend of the unsettlingly weird and bog standard western.

Super 8"I loosened it for you."  Excellent film, nostalgic, funny, scary, exciting with wonderful performances, but the ending is a let down.

Tangled – funny but no guts. 

The Artist - a compelling film but it works better the first time when the tension is so taut it could decapitate you; repeat viewings lose that.

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel - way too many characters to give any depth to anything, and strangely downbeat.

The Green Hornet - quite enjoyable, even though the lead is a total jerk.

The Helpfairly absorbing story but the ‘novel adaptation’ nature of random characters popping in as if we should know who they are and important scenes seemingly missing does get distracting; seriously, who the hell is Stuart, what is he doing here and where did he go? 

The Muppets – I love nostalgia as much as the next maladjusted adult, but rehashing the same plot the muppets have done at least three times already is jejune (plus, stop ignoring the 90s!), and it badly needed to pick and stick to a POV – Walter or Kermit, not both.

Thor – here’s an idea, don’t kidnap your enemy’s son and pretend he’s yours, don’t raise him to despise his biological race so that when he finds out his real heritage he’ll be overwhelmed by self-loathing, don’t tell him he was born to be a king but can never be the king, don’t fall asleep in the middle of the most important conversation of his life and don’t tell him he’s a failure when he’s dangling over an abyss… (Odin wins this year’s Worst Father Award).

Winnie-The-Pooh - "'Back soon.'  Sounds like Backson...  Oh well.  Good luck everyone!"  WHY did they make another one?

X-Men First Class – wake me when the X-Men get here; repulsively misogynistic.

2012

A Fantastic Fear Of Everything - interesting.

Avengers Assemble – dumb fun.

Braveplotless, characterless, humourless, derivative, pointless, boring bag of lame.

Cabin In The Woods - if you try to be smart but show the gore, revel in the violence and 'reference' previous horror films, then you're just as bad as them (still, totally called it on the 'not really dead' character - why would you kill off the ONLY character you remembered to write for - no Scream 2 for me today!).

Chronicle - booooooooooooooooriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing.

Horrible Bosses – a waste of an already overused premise, with dislikeable leads.

Hotel Transylvania - within the first five minutes there's a joke where a disembodied bottom frames someone for an enormous fart - it was at this moment I should have realised the level of intelligence involved here and turned it off - alas I endured it all; it is really, really dumb; and lame.

Ice Age 4: Continental Drift – not as bad as the third film, but forgettable.

Men In Black 3 - "If we report this, they're going to scrub the launch." "I didn't see anything." Entertaining fluff; the finale is surprisingly underwhelming but Will Smith and Josh Brolin give enjoyable performances.

Mirror Mirror quite funny but seriously lacks focus and depth and Snow herself is devoid of personality; still I do desperately love Nathan Lane.

ParaNorman - feels like someone put a lot of thought into this film and yet the finished product is so convoluted it just gets dull and were any of the characters remotely interesting (plus, moral, turns out it is wrong to kill children; who knew?!)?

Rise Of The Guardians - some interesting ideas but not enough was explained and the villain didn't really work because a) his name is one loop away from a swearword, b) his MO is exactly the same as the hero so why are we supposed to side with one over the other and c) he's voiced by Jude 'sexy accent' Law so hard to dislike.

Robot & Frank - so short it doesn't progress beyond the interesting premise.

Seven Psychopaths - appears to have been written by a fourteen year old.

Skyfallit’s ludicrously stupid, clichéd and anti-climatic as well as demeaning to women, has a chillingly callous attitude towards life and utterly detestable characters (but I did like Mallory and Q).

The Amazing Spider-Man - no one needed another Spider-Man origin story.

The Dark Knight Rises – catwoman really irritated me, Bane was hilarious, I don’t understand why Lucius didn’t flood the room with the bomb since that was exactly why they built in that failsafe and it was painfully obvious who the ‘real’ bad guy was so I was baffled why Batman didn’t work it out. 

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journeyactually pretty watchable, best when it remembers it is The Hobbit (funny and fanciful with a sweet lead) and only getting dull when it tries to be The Lord Of The Rings and because it is ridiculously overlong, unedited and inflated just to bulk it up into a trilogy. 

The Lorax - filled with nauseating 'minion'esque critters and incredibly fickle characters, this moralising SATIRE isn't deep enough to hold an entire film, particularly when you raise the question of why didn't The Once-ler just plant the tree like fifty years ago instead of sitting in his room not doing that.

The Pirates!  In An Adventure With Scientists! (The Pirates! Band Of Misfits) – "Blood Island.  So called because it's the exact shape of some blood."  A couple of duff jokes, but generally really, really fun, an improvement on the creepy book.

The Woman In Black – BOO!

Wreck-It Ralph - occasionally ingenious, shame about setting it in a dull game and the terribly convenient monster menace that randomly don't know it's a game for no reason.

2013

About Time - "Go in there and wait, quietly. I mean it; don't make a sound... or I'll kill you." Boring AND sexist, my two least favourite attributes for a movie; I thoroughly regret watching this.

Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa - fairly entertaining Alan Partridge film.

Captain Phillips poorly directed but the plot it very exciting, just a shame that due to its 'true story' nature the first half is a lot more interesting than the second half.

Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs 2 - lacking the wit and charm of the (extremely good) first film, this is nothing more than a pile of food puns, questionable morals and the characters of the first film turning up and having nothing to do, plus is essentially rewrites the beginning and ending of the first film; LAME and extremely disappointing.

Frozen - what a load of arse.  See The Housemate's very accurate review here.

Her - NOPE (could this be any less my kind of movie?)

Iron Man Three  Pepper really doesn't have enough to do, but there's some great moments particularly in the middle and it was brilliant the first time, so at least worth watching once.

Man Of Steel - I can't believe how many people must die in this film; it has some of the clumsiest writing I've ever witnessed and endless blurry action sequences, this is hilariously dumb and sadly tedious, with pathetically pointless characters, a practically psychotic hero, some awful performances and just not in any way what I want from a Superman film; I laughed hysterically during the Jesus scene.

Pacific Rim - very obvious and dumb, but it is about robots fighting monsters so it's really my own fault for watching it - it's the total lack of any interesting characters that kills it.

Saving Mr. Banks - "When does anybody get to go to Disneyland with Walt Disney himself?" Watchable if extremely heavy-handed, can't imagine it is very true to what really happened: saintly Disney must do battle with crazy mean Travers so that the wonderful film Mary Poppins can exist as is right and proper.

The Adventurer: The Curse Of The Midas Box - the same as all other adaptations from children's book serials (and there's not enough Michael Sheen in it).

The Croods - "Hey, I know that guy!" An odd mixture of humour, i.e. some witty, some utterly lame, but the ridiculously have-their-cake-and-eat-it everyone-lives happy ending is just so schmooey heart-warming, it's bound to leave a good impression.

The Hobbit: The Desolation Of Smaug - the trouble with 'middle' movies is there's no intrigue of setup and no satisfaction of resolution.

The World's End - deliberately but painfully predictable, fails to engage at any point.

Thor: The Dark World - "She wouldn't want us to fight." "Well, she wouldn't exactly be shocked." Dull, confusing gibberish, except (unsurprisingly) for the bits with Loki, who wanders through his brief scenes like a ray of life-giving sunshine. "...you'll kill me? Evidently there'll be a line."

2014

Big Hero 6 - the sad grossly outweighs the happy and the plot/twists are so obvious they could brain you.

Birdman - unbearably pretentious but also surprisingly obvious and dull.

Guardians Of The Galaxy - it just didn't engage with me.

Muppets Most Wanted - what idiot changed the title of a film that's opening AND closing songs are about the damn title?

Noah - despite the pro-vegan message, Noah is a terrible person and this is an upsetting and unrewarding watch.

Paddington - a charming surprise; this adaptation is sweet and emotionally invested (just a shame that the villain plot is upsettingly dark and also illogical - just how old is she supposed to be?).

The Book Of Life - "Kids today, with their long hair and their no killing stuff." Watchable, but it's hard to know what I think since it's such a hodge-podge of ideas, yet the basic two-guys-one-girl story is so tired; would be better without the pointless-adds-nothing framing device.

The Boxtrolls - "We exterminate justice!"  Morally lovely.

The Hobbit: The Battle Of The Five Armies - by no stretch should this have ever been a full movie, it is at best a finale of another movie, and good luck actually spotting the hobbit.

The Lego Movie - I didn't know I wanted a LEGO movie, but if they were going to make one, this is exactly the film they should have made.

The Monuments Men - the tale of eight men who go to different parts of Europe over the course of several years to protect thousands of pieces of art; as you may guess, it lacks focus.

X-Men Days Of Future Past - "Wanna pick all that shit up?" The plot is driven by 'we need to make a movie' and not by any semblance of internal logic - a) DON'T free Magneto and b) DO use Quicksilver for everything; the characters act like complete morons or lunatics for no reason, it is infuriating (and don't go out of your way for the Rogue Cut - or 'the same stupid movie but with one scene of Rogue that goes nowhere').

2015

Absolutely Anything - "Biscuits!"  Unbelievably poor.

Ant-Man - the smaller scale plot works really well, making this a refreshing watch considering how weary I am of superhero flicks.

Avengers: Age Of Ultron - it's hard to really care about this ensemble piece because no one gets the chance to shine, plus they're all super miserable now (Coulson and Loki are sorely missed). 

Home - a lot better than the trailer made it look, this has a great premise.

Inside Out - while the anthropomorphised emotions and control room stuff are fun ideas, the actual plot of Joy wandering around lost is tedious, plus you really can't give two hoots about characters who by their very natures are this one-dimensional.

Jurassic World - sexist.

Mad Max: Fury Road - watchable in that the action never lets up, but not particularly memorable once it's over, due to never getting to know the characters; for all the hoo-hah about it being feminist, the women are little more than objects to be moved about and the only two mildly interesting characters are the two men.

Spy - enjoyable enough at least once; this is an obvious attempt at promoting female empowered films and it's about time, just a shame that she has to have a romantic dynamic with all three male leads.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens - nah.

The Lady In The Van - watchable despite its pretentiousness.

The Man From U.N.C.L.E. - "I don't think you understand.  It tore the back off my car."  An incredibly slick, over-directed movie that's so charming it completely gets away with it; great fun.

The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel - harmlessly watchable.

Trumbo - "You don't even like me." "I like you fine; you don't like me." A watchable, well made biopic, galloping through time, events and people as they do, idolising and demonising as it goes.

2016

Batman: Return Of The Caped Crusaders - best Batman movie I've ever seen.

Captain America: Civil War - I'm getting tired of team-up superhero movies now; Robert Downey Jr is the best thing in it and keeps it watchable, but that seems kind of harsh when it isn't even his movie.

Doctor Strange - refreshing angle on the getting-tired superhero genre (even if all the tropes are still there), with a lead who is against killing, a solution that involves talk and self-sacrifice and an action scene that reverses the destruction we've seen so often.

Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them - Colin Farrell gives an excellent performance, whereas Eddie Redmayne just does an impression of Matt Smith; there's not really enough plot to gather any momentum and at least one pointless character getting in the way, but the real tragedy is the absolutely horrific ending: WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?

Finding Dory - weak; the old leads are completely redundant, the grandeur of the ocean is missed by setting it in muddy buckets and by the time you get to an octopus driving a truck I pretty much want my money back.

Ghostbusters - way too heavy on the references.

Hail, Caesar! - "It's... complicated." You know it's a Coen when it's all surface style and no character depth; basically just the day in the life of a guy who fixes problems on a movie lot, so there's no actual plot.

Kubo And The Two Strings - "If I'm Beetle and you're Monkey, why isn't he called Boy?" Poetic, abstract and sad, i.e. not my kind of thing.

Love & Friendship - "Facts are horrid things." Emulates the Austen style well in that everything of interest happens off screen and we're just told about it later; ultra-frivolous and diabolically frustrating that this heinous character suffers no comeuppance.

Moana - a nice film; funny with likeable characters, but maybe could be a little more eventful.

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story - Everybody Dies: The Movie.

X-Men: Apocalypse - these X-Men prequels are incompetent and what the hell have they done to Cyclops, stop RUINING him!

Zootropolis (Zootopia) - "Life isn't some cartoon musical where you sing a little song and your insipid dreams magically come true. So let it go."  Two great leads, an imaginative world, a good sense of humour and a bucket-load of important anti-racism pro-vegan morals, this is the best Disney movie in quite a few years, shame it has to be so relentlessly plot-driven.

2017

Carnage - "We are not vegans; they are carnists." Intelligent, funny, moving satire with quite a few moments of genuine footage where I had to hold my hand up to hide the screen, but then that's the point isn't it, if you can't take it, don't support it; should be required viewing for all carnists.

Kong: Skull Island - "I've never said that name out loud before; it sounds stupid now that I say it." I thought Tom Hiddleston could do no wrong; my mistake.

Spider-man: Homecoming - "Ned, the glowy thing is a bomb!" Sweet and funny, pretty much exactly what you want from a Spider-man movie.

The LEGO Batman Movie - "Remember that time with the two boats?" "This is better than the two boats!" "Hmmm." Very funny to start with but quickly becomes so frenetic that it's hard to concentrate on or care that much about what's going on.

Wonder Woman - "I believe in love."  Very dull, with flat unlikeable characters, god-awful dialogue, hardly any heroics and a villain plot that makes little sense.

2 comments:

  1. The X-Men is one of those films that grows on you. When I first saw it, I was fairly unimpressed. I think the start in the concentration camp was a bad idea because it felt rushed, hollow and exploitative to use the Holocaust as a prologue to a comic book movie. That aside, the film is actually rather accomplished. Wolverine and Rogue get superb introductions (perhaps too good: by now, is anyone not tired of Wolverine movies?), the Doctor X / Magneto relationship uses just a few brush strokes to hint at great depth (which all the prequels now feel a need to fill in), and the cinematography is actually quite elegant and slick.

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    1. Did you see it when it was new? I remember it being a HUGE deal - maybe because most people I knew had grown up on the 90s X-Men cartoon, or maybe because we hadn't seen a large-scale take-it-seriously superhero movie before. The prequels (like all prequels) are filling in what never needed to be said, while both ruining it and getting it completely wrong. I presume they are therefore a parallel universe version of these characters. I like the Holocaust opening, but I get where you're coming from. I think if they did it NOW, I would feel the same (for example when they re-did it in the prequel) but I can still remember how effective it was seeing this for the first time (maybe because I was at an impressionable age) (also hence immediate identification with Rogue). It's an odd tone really - far more serious than what I am used to these days with silly Marvel heroes, but not gritty or dark like all the stuff that is trying to be anti-Marvel.

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