Wednesday 13 May 2020

Why I Never Became An Actor #6

Reason Number 6: Touch repulsed.

Continuing the series about why after 17 years of planning to be a an actor I abruptly changed The Mind, with only a slight six year delay, here is Part 6:

When I was in college (or rather Sixth Form) for part of The A Level Drama Exam, we wrote and directed our own play, set in a repressed Victorian household.

Ironically, the only reason we used this setting was because for our scripted piece we were going to do The Importance of Being Earnest, but then the teacher changed her mind, so we decided to do a historical piece for our improvised play, only then we did end up doing The Importance of Being Earnest after all and so we modernised it. I don’t want to talk about it.

So, we’re running through a scene in our improvised piece. I don’t remember it exactly, but the overall gist was I was playing a servant, the best friend was playing the gentlemen of the house, we were in love but he had married someone of his own class and so our love was relegated to a dirty secret, and my character was super religious and so felt like a sinner. He’s pulled between desire and duty and my character was pulled between love and devotion, etc. I guess their feelings for each other got the better of them in this scene and they embraced.

“Hmm,” said The Drama Teacher, for the eighteenth time that rehearsal, apparently unaware that she wasn’t The Director.


We separated.  What now?

Teacher: I just think this is a moment of passion, when you let your true feelings be seen.

Me: Yes.

Teacher: Is a hug enough?  They’ve known each other all their lives, they’re in love.  They need to kiss.

Me: I don’t think The Character would kiss him. They wouldn’t kiss unless they were engaged.

Teacher: I think they would.

Yuk

Teacher: Give it a whirl.

Slowly, The Stomach folding in on itself, we ran through the lines again and I approached The Friend.  But as we moved in for The Embrace…

Frozen

Me: I’m not sure I can kiss him.

Teacher: That’s fine, that’s fine.  You don’t have to do it until the actual night.




So, there was that.

Not to mention...

The play ended with the return of the status quo. I think the whole thing was about this gypsy girl getting taken into the family and then at the end they scapegoat her out to avoid dealing with their baggage. I don’t really remember. I know there was an evil butler controlling it all. So anyway, at the end my character has to give up the chance of love and go back to living in the shadow.

During the dress rehearsal, and I would like to point out here again that The Teacher was NOT directing our play, The Drama Teacher stormed on stage during the final scene and pointed at me.

Teacher: No! I’m sure you’re going through it all internally, but you have to show it externally.

Me: The Character is a servant in a Victorian household and completely repressed by faith in God.  They're not going to react in front of anyone.  It’s not realistic.

Teacher: I’m sure that’s how you feel, but on stage, I need to see it in your actions.  I want you to stagger back in shock, maybe start to cry.

Me: It’s not panto.  If I did that, everyone would know about their secret.

Teacher: Affair.

Me: No, it’s not an affair.

Teacher: I don’t mean affair in the modern usage.

Me: But it’s just how things are. The Character doesn’t show their emotions outwardly, that’s the point of the scene.  They've finally started to let their guard down and now they build it up again.  Can’t break down at the news; they have to not react.  The non-reaction’s the heartbreak.  They’re all going back to being repressed again, because that’s how they know how to deal with things even though it’s wrong and damaging.  That’s the entire point of the entire play.

Teacher: So once again.  But this time, react.


I don’t know what to tell you. Was I just a fundamentally bad actor? Was I just stubborn at taking direction? Was the fact that I was a closeted asexual part of why I didn’t want to kiss The Ex-Boyfriend on stage when we had never managed to kiss when we were dating? Was this a sign that I should be a writer, where you can explore the emotional turmoil of a character without having to compromise their personality, rather than an actor who needs to physically demonstrate these internal issues? Was the teacher just plain wrong?

Maybe a bit of all of it. I definitely hated taking direction, which has got to be about the worst flaw an actor could have. I much prefer being a writer, where you can explore all the character motivations, not just one. And honestly, as an asexual, I really don’t think I could have borne having to kiss people or even worse do a sex scene on stage when I have no interest in doing these things in private!

I was in college when I started to come to terms with the notion that the lifelong dream of wanting to be an actor was wrong and that maybe actually I would prefer to be a writer. I absolutely made the right choice before it was too late.

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