Reason Number 1: Easily distracted.
When I was a kid I wanted to
be an actor. Somewhere along The Line
it all went wrong. So I thought I’d
chronicle some of The Low Points on this path to why I didn’t follow this
particular dream.
Every year I tried to get roles
in The School Play, usually with humiliating responses.
When I was eight, during The
Annual Christmas Play I was relegated to The Usual Role of nothing. At lunchtime, I sat with The Friends in The
Lunch Hall.
My shaking walk was slow and
heavy. When I finally reached The
Headteacher’s Office, she was going on about bells.
Eventually, when I could
hear again over The Flow Of Blood in The Head, I worked out that I wasn’t in
trouble and that she needed some children to play The Bells in The Show.
Why she had me called out at
lunchtime, why I was picked at all and why she seemed to think I should know
what she was talking about, wasn’t explained.
But my part in The Tune was
simple. I was The Tallest, therefore I
had The Biggest And Deepest Bell. The
others played a tune, and at The End, I went DONG.
The others were idiots and could never remember The
Tune. I tuned out.
So The Day of The
Performance came. I wore a gold
waistcoat, mainly because I loved any excuse to wear a waistcoat, but The Gold
had a bell-like charm.
And in we went as The Hall
filled up. But when we went over to The
Orchestra, The Angry Conductor, who had never seen us before, chased us away.
So we joined The Choir, where
we were chased away for having instruments.
We returned to The
Orchestra.
This farce continued a few
more times until we were found a space in front of everyone. The Play rolled on, and then came our tune.
The others got it
right. They finally got it right.
I couldn’t believe it. My moronic team hadn’t had one successful
rehearsal but they had finally cracked it.
I had one role in this show
and it was The Cue for The Wise Men.
I’d forgotten The DONG.
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