Thursday, 18 October 2012

Tacky Home Shopping Catalogue!

I love tacky home shopping catalogues, with their items you could never possibly want, like containers specifically to put your banana in, or items that blatantly had another use that now they’ve renamed and are trying to fob off on you as something new, like cheese slice boxes that look suspiciously like floppy disc boxes.

The highlights of this month’s Tacky Home Shopping Catalogue have to be:

Sonic Cleaner.  A revolutionary new cleaning product for all surfaces that happens to look exactly the same as an electric toothbrush.

The Invention Of The Sonic Cleaner

Toilet Roll Fresheners.  Odour neutralising tubes that you put inside your toilet roll.  Because toilet rolls are known for smelling bad…  Firstly, does loo roll ever smell bad – it is after all clean, and secondly, what the hell does it matter what your toilet paper smells like?  You wipe your bum on it and throw it down the toilet.

Tomato and Onion Keeper.  A special container to keep partially used tomatoes and onions fresh in the fridge.  Except it is specifically shaped so it’s only big enough for half.  If you only use a quarter of an onion, you’re screwed.  There’s no room in here.

Pink Rubber Gloves and Pink Dish Brush.  Kooky cleaning things in pink to keep the ladies happy.  That’s right, cleaning is the woman’s job.  And women like pink. 

Modesty Panel.  A lace bib to hide your cleavage.  If for some reason you own low cut tops but find them too offensive to wear.  And can’t just wear another top underneath.

Thank you Victorian lady.

Sink Skirt.  ‘Update your bathroom with this self adhesive Sink Skirt’.  No sink wearing a skirt looks up to date.  Also, Sink Skirt? 

Victorian lady is offended by naked furniture.

Moustache Glasses Holder.  A thing to balance your glasses on, so they look like they have a moustache!

Okay, that one is pretty cool.

And it’s now that time of year that Tacky Home Shopping Catalogue comes with Tacky Christmas Edition!  Rapture!

Silver Snowflake Light Up Tube.  Yes, for just £14.95 you can own a glass someone put a couple of LED lights inside.

3D Christmas balloons.  Decorate a balloon to look JUST LIKE Father Christmas. 

If he was the Tasmanian Devil.

Santa’s Magic Key.  For houses without chimneys, hang a key on the door.  That’s right, hang a KEY on the OUTSIDE of your FRONT DOOR to lure in burglars.  Sure it’s a fake, but they’re here now and they’re grumpy.  They might as well break in.

Christmas Bells.  Bells that you hang on the door handle, so whenever you open the door, they jingle, to DRIVE YOU INSANE.

Christmas Robin.  An ornament that chirps whenever you move, to DRIVE YOU INSANE.

Christmas Clock.  Plays a Christmas tune each hour to DRIVE YOU INSANE.

Santa Fridge Magnet.  I just love the wording on this one: ‘Features individual pieces of Santa’s body’.

Santa Toilet Seat Cover.  Sit on Santa’s face!

And finally, Jolly Santa Window Cling.

Santa is watching you.

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