I'm The Decoy: Excuses

Saturday 21 April 2012

Excuses

Okay, so turns out I’m appallingly bad at regularly updating The Blog. It’s no great surprise. Do I have excuses, I hear you ask?

Why yes I do.

Excuse Number One: When I first started The Blog I tried to update it every day, but that was before I was illustrating it. So now even if I have time to write an entry, I still have to find the time to draw the pictures and, having as much artistic talent as a grape, that takes me a while, so it simply isn’t possible to update every day.

Is this a valid excuse? Not really, because the longest I have gone without updating was six months and that was BEFORE I started illustrating it.

Okay, Excuse Number Two: The very first entry began like this:

Last night I dreamt Dr Sam Beckett leaped into a ruffian who was harassing a commune in the woods. That Damn Ending

After writing and posting this, I noticed that the first four words were the same as the first four words of Daphne Du Maurier’s Rebecca.

And so I decided that every post should start with the first four words from a book. It would be a gimmick and would be a way into how to write each entry. So each time I sat down to type The Thoughts, I slid a book off the shelf, jotted down the first four words and figured out how to get to The Point from there. Which is why one of The Posts randomly and for no intelligent or logical reason begins with:

In 1937, Neville Chamberlain... Flashbulb

However, it is surprisingly (or probably not so surprisingly) hard to start a point with four random words that have nothing to do with anything and it also required me to remember which books I had already used and so I got confused and rather than just dump this pointless gimmick, I shied away from posting at all.

Is this a valid excuse? No, because all I had to do was write down the books I had used, and the effort to get a book off the shelf really isn’t that big a deal.

This rather reveals the true excuse.

Excuse Number Three: There’s an episode of Frasier that springs to mind.

It’s from season 2 (which isn’t my favourite. The show took a few years to settle and add depth to the characters, but anyway) the relevant episode is called ‘Fool Me Once, Shame On You, Fool Me Twice...’ written by the executive producer Christopher Lloyd (no, not that one).

[EDIT 2015: the video has been taken down, so you'll just have to read (lucky I transcribed it just in case)]

Here's the relevant bit:

The plot involves Frasier’s briefcase being stolen. The thief then steals his dry cleaning, and then his car, and then picks up a date by pretending to be Frasier. Frasier eventually traces the thief to a bar and confronts him. The thief, Phil (Nathan Lane), gives in and hands Frasier his new car phone to contact the police.

Phil: I shoulda known things were gonna turn out like this for me.

Frasier: Ah yes, here it comes, the old sob story. Daddy didn’t love me, Mother ignored me, the bully next door stole my baseball glove.

Phil: No… Dad loved me. Mom spoiled me. And I was the bully next door. Say, why don’t you let me do that, it’s kind of tricky. (Takes the phone from Frasier).

Frasier: Thank you.

Phil: There’s only one person to blame for my problems and that’s me. (Into phone) Yeah hi, the number for the Seattle PD, please. (To Frasier) I take the easy way out of everything. I always have. And you wanna know why? I’m lazy. Lazy, lazy, lazy. (Into phone) Oh sweetheart, I don’t have the energy to look for a pencil, could you just connect me? Thanks hon.

Frasier: You expect me to believe that your entire life of crime can be attributed to your laziness?

Phil: Hey, it’s the truth. I don’t like to work, never have. And believe me, it’s a lot easier to take something than to get a job. And I’m even a lazy criminal. A briefcase here, a set of car keys there, maybe a little light shoplifting. But a bank robbery? All that planning and split second timing? Forget it. And that second-storey stuff – grappling hooks, glasscutters! Who does that? (Into phone) Yeah. Thank you. (To Frasier, handing over phone) You’re on hold.

Frasier: Ha, story of my week. You know, you seem to be taking this awfully well.

Phil: Well, it’s like I said, it was bound to happen.

Frasier: Or perhaps, perhaps you wanted to get caught.

Phil: Huh?

Frasier: Yes, well think about it. You’ve been taking greater and greater risks. Isn’t that the behaviour of a man who wants to get caught?

Phil: I’m telling ya, doc, lazy. Look at your pants for God’s sake. You’d think I’d take them in to be hemmed, right? Staples!

Frasier: Oh dear God!

Phil: Staples!

Frasier: Well I still say that you really wanted to get caught. Yes, it’s a classic cri de coeur.

Phil: Cri de what?

Frasier: Well it’s a malaise that’s been identified… No… It just means that you don’t like the life that you’re living.

Phil: Well, it’s not a great life. Half the time I don’t know where my next month’s rent is coming from and I haven’t been in a solid relationship in I don’t know how long.